My household (which is just another name for my “life”) has been chaotic to say the least for the past year or two. Of course, as some of you know, it could do with the fact that I lost my dad or that I’m transitioning personally. My roles are changing. Titles are disappearing. And yet, much of it all is still very much the same. I think sometimes, it’s “the same” that bothers us. We don’t know why we are still stuck with the same shit, the same arguments, the same problems, the same dance with the same damn people. It’s just so the same. The same triggers, the same reactions, the same feelings!!! Same, same, shame!
But it’s okay. I’m okay. I’m ready to sit with you, Big Feelings. I’m ready to sit still in the silence of pain, marvel in the thrill of joyous moments, and learn to dance while in the chaos of storms. I’m ready to sit with you through it all. Quietly. Patiently. Consciously. I will let you pass through me, teach me, and then I will release me.
What’s different about me today though, is that I won’t stay too long in this seat anymore. I won’t make a bed out of this place. I will not allow myself to make a home out of the comfort or familiarity of discomfort any longer. I know when it’s time to get up and leave. I understand when I’m overstaying my welcome in familiar territories of pain and loneliness and I just won’t allow for it anymore. I may wander still feeling isolated and with a tinge of agony… but I will not allow myself to stay in a state of misery. Confusion, well maybe… because it takes time to figure out what’s going on and to learn how I can fill the void and quiet the noise in my heart and head. But eventually as quickly as these “feelings” came… I will let it go.
My goal for 2017 is simple. Be simple. Be free. Surround myself with the lifters, the doers. I can think of a few of these people right now and feel full. I used to focus on the negative people and their impact on my life but I now choose not to. I let them go and let their karma be their own. I know I’m enough. If you have people in your life who make you feel like a secondhand citizen… let them go! Because you are more than enough.
Even as I am writing this I am thinking about an amazing mom I met this year through my daughter’s school, who I still don’t know very well, but she popped into my head when I wrote about positive people and she just brought a smile to my face. Thank you AS. I have a lot of people who want to be a part of my life that at times I have taken for granted but now I’m going to stop chasing after unicorns and gallop free and wild with the stallions in my life.
Twenty sixteen, I don’t spite you. I honor you for teaching me so much about myself and the person I want to become for myself and my kids, most especially for my daughter, so she will know that there is peace, joy, and forgiveness in imperfection.