Wow, its 2015!!! I haven’t blogged in some time. Today, I felt the urge to do so. I wanted to write just to write. Just to let my feelings have a place to sit and relax.
Twenty-fourteen proved to be one of the biggest learning experiences of my life and a year where my mind transformed in many ways. I have to say that God truly worked his magic on my mind and heart.
My dad passed away in November of 2014. I miss him. Some moments steal my breath. The reality of his death still has not settled in. When those moments of realization hit, I let them in slowly. It’s crushing, to say the least. There are moments I allow myself to breakdown and shout out loud, “please, come back!!!!! COME BACK. Where are you???” and I just wail. I JUST WAIL. Ugh, I miss him. I wish i could have one more conversation with him. I’m still so grateful though. I’m so thankful that I got to be there when he passed and that he wasn’t taken away from me abruptly. We, as a family, were granted time and not all people are fortunate enough to be allowed to see their loved ones off like that. So thank you God.
The Things I’ve Learned:
1. I learned I did not fear death, I feared the grief I’d have to carry and walk through. I also learned how quickly people forget you still grieve and hurt after the funeral is over, because life moves in such high speeds. I learned too that that’s when you need them the most. Yet, I learned you can become so much stronger than the grief, if you want to and move on through the pain.
2. I learned how to fight fairly. I learned communication is possible with objectivity and opposing views. I learned that hurt people do not need to hurt to be able to feel better.
3. I learned WOMEN are truly capable of having healthy, supportive, and non-competitive relationships. My girls… oh, these women, they are truly my sanity savers.
4. I learned I deserve to be happy and that it’s actually okay to embrace this happiness without fear it will be taken away.
5. I learned that I am not a victim. That my life experiences make me grateful, empathetic, and compassionate to others.
6. I learned I still have a long way to go and may never reach the person I want to become, but that is okay, because I’m conscious. I’m aware. I don’t deny I’m imperfect but I’m working on it and that’s enough.
7. I learned I have been blessed in so many ways and that this life is sooooooooooo good.
8. I learned the heart has an infinite amount of room for love even through heartache. I learned the heart is the most resilient muscle in the body and so it should be taken care of with great care.
9. I learned therapy is worth every penny and the government really needs to incorporate mental health care into insurance policies.
10. I learned my triggers should not be projected onto my daughter or son, because my pain is my own and not theirs.
11. I learned parents are “bullies.” In our attempt to raise socially conscious children, I understand some of us can “fly off the handle” in moments of fatigue and frustration on our children. One day while I was driving, I had the self-realization that I was no better than a bully and its made me more cognizant of the fact that these little “clean slate beings” have not experienced this life as we have, so the world is new, fascinating, and perhaps even frightening to them and it’s my job to guide and teach them how to navigate through this world and cope without shouting and becoming broken in the process. It isn’t always as easy to do as it is to write, but that’s my wish. Above all, that I’m not the one that breaks the spirit of my daughter or my son.