My household (which is just another name for my “life”) has been chaotic to say the least for the past year or two. Of course, as some of you know, it could do with the fact that I lost my dad or that I’m transitioning personally. My roles are changing. Titles are disappearing. And yet, much of it all is still very much the same. I think sometimes, it’s “the same” that bothers us. We don’t know why we are still stuck with the same shit, the same arguments, the same problems, the same dance with the same damn people. It’s just so the same. The same triggers, the same reactions, the same feelings!!! Same, same, shame!
But it’s okay. I’m okay. I’m ready to sit with you, Big Feelings. I’m ready to sit still in the silence of pain, marvel in the thrill of joyous moments, and learn to dance while in the chaos of storms. I’m ready to sit with you through it all. Quietly. Patiently. Consciously. I will let you pass through me, teach me, and then I will release me.
What’s different about me today though, is that I won’t stay too long in this seat anymore. I won’t make a bed out of this place. I will not allow myself to make a home out of the comfort or familiarity of discomfort any longer. I know when it’s time to get up and leave. I understand when I’m overstaying my welcome in familiar territories of pain and loneliness and I just won’t allow for it anymore. I may wander still feeling isolated and with a tinge of agony… but I will not allow myself to stay in a state of misery. Confusion, well maybe… because it takes time to figure out what’s going on and to learn how I can fill the void and quiet the noise in my heart and head. But eventually as quickly as these “feelings” came… I will let it go.
My goal for 2017 is simple. Be simple. Be free. Surround myself with the lifters, the doers. I can think of a few of these people right now and feel full. I used to focus on the negative people and their impact on my life but I now choose not to. I let them go and let their karma be their own. I know I’m enough. If you have people in your life who make you feel like a secondhand citizen… let them go! Because you are more than enough.
Even as I am writing this I am thinking about an amazing mom I met this year through my daughter’s school, who I still don’t know very well, but she popped into my head when I wrote about positive people and she just brought a smile to my face. Thank you AS. I have a lot of people who want to be a part of my life that at times I have taken for granted but now I’m going to stop chasing after unicorns and gallop free and wild with the stallions in my life.
Twenty sixteen, I don’t spite you. I honor you for teaching me so much about myself and the person I want to become for myself and my kids, most especially for my daughter, so she will know that there is peace, joy, and forgiveness in imperfection.
I talk to my best friend and friends all day long. We are each other’s lifeline to sanity. One day, my BFF and I were talking. It had been a particularly trying week with my kids and I was at my wits end and feeling inundated by noise and the sense of drowning was becoming overwhelming. I needed a break. I have yet to go away anywhere by myself since my six year old was conceived!!! This is in no way a woe-is-me type of blog. Rather, it’s a blog to show you what is possible and why guilt should not wear you out when all you are trying to do is stay afloat and not just survive… but thoroughly enjoy this one life we are granted. My husband gives me every arsenal I need to conquer the day, conquer my demons, and win over what my mind sometimes (and very often) tells me I cannot accomplish.
So on this day, I was texting with my BFF and I was telling her I need to get away, but giving her all the reasons why I couldn’t. She then just said, “why? why can’t you? It’s not like you can’t afford it. It’s not like you don’t have help with the kids, so why don’t you just go or go buy yourself those shoes you’ve been wanting?” She continued to tell me, she is all about “self-preservation parenting” because if she doesn’t do that, she wouldn’t be useful to herself or to her family. (She’s a little wise one, that best friend of mine… she really is). And so, it clicked. It made so much sense.
I pour on guilt because my husband works hard so I can stay home and raise my kids, so I don’t want to spend his hard earned money on “extravagant things,” just because I can. I can. Yes, to a certain degree, my life has been blessed but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of consciousness and gratitude for the amount of work my husband puts into affording us this lifestyle. That being said, I do feel like what all parents need is to allow themselves certain freedoms and pick me ups here and there just to make this journey more manageable and fun. My husband needs his friends and Vegas as much as he needs air and water… I need alone time and my girlfriends just as much with an occasional splurge on something nice. I believe not every day has to feel like a sacrifice for the kids. No, it doesn’t make me selfish. It doesn’t make me less of a mother with no sense of priorities. It makes me a happier mother, wife, and woman. And that is worth its weight in gold.
Here’s the catcher, always live within your means. Do not compare your lives to others. My husb and I were just having a conversation during dinner with some friends last night, and it’s so true that everyone else’s lives seem prettier and greener from the outside but that is not always the case. Live within YOUR means. Do not crucify yourself or your spouse if some things others have isn’t in your cards. Appreciate what is yours.
People get so caught up LIVING OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES that you really forget to just live your own. That is so disingenuous to the life you were meant to live. That steals away from your sanity and your ability to preserve a sense of authenticity in your life.
Life is good. It’s meant to teach you about YOU. You can’t do that when you are living a life that is not organic to you. So while I’m all about leaving something for yourself, make sure it’s something worth the effort, time, and money. Because if it’s not, it’s just not worth wasting moments with your family and loved ones. It just isn’t for me.