My household (which is just another name for my “life”) has been chaotic to say the least for the past year or two. Of course, as some of you know, it could do with the fact that I lost my dad or that I’m transitioning personally. My roles are changing. Titles are disappearing. And yet, much of it all is still very much the same. I think sometimes, it’s “the same” that bothers us. We don’t know why we are still stuck with the same shit, the same arguments, the same problems, the same dance with the same damn people. It’s just so the same. The same triggers, the same reactions, the same feelings!!! Same, same, shame!
But it’s okay. I’m okay. I’m ready to sit with you, Big Feelings. I’m ready to sit still in the silence of pain, marvel in the thrill of joyous moments, and learn to dance while in the chaos of storms. I’m ready to sit with you through it all. Quietly. Patiently. Consciously. I will let you pass through me, teach me, and then I will release me.
What’s different about me today though, is that I won’t stay too long in this seat anymore. I won’t make a bed out of this place. I will not allow myself to make a home out of the comfort or familiarity of discomfort any longer. I know when it’s time to get up and leave. I understand when I’m overstaying my welcome in familiar territories of pain and loneliness and I just won’t allow for it anymore. I may wander still feeling isolated and with a tinge of agony… but I will not allow myself to stay in a state of misery. Confusion, well maybe… because it takes time to figure out what’s going on and to learn how I can fill the void and quiet the noise in my heart and head. But eventually as quickly as these “feelings” came… I will let it go.
My goal for 2017 is simple. Be simple. Be free. Surround myself with the lifters, the doers. I can think of a few of these people right now and feel full. I used to focus on the negative people and their impact on my life but I now choose not to. I let them go and let their karma be their own. I know I’m enough. If you have people in your life who make you feel like a secondhand citizen… let them go! Because you are more than enough.
Even as I am writing this I am thinking about an amazing mom I met this year through my daughter’s school, who I still don’t know very well, but she popped into my head when I wrote about positive people and she just brought a smile to my face. Thank you AS. I have a lot of people who want to be a part of my life that at times I have taken for granted but now I’m going to stop chasing after unicorns and gallop free and wild with the stallions in my life.
Twenty sixteen, I don’t spite you. I honor you for teaching me so much about myself and the person I want to become for myself and my kids, most especially for my daughter, so she will know that there is peace, joy, and forgiveness in imperfection.
I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”
Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be. You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk. Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.
I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.
If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy. Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.
So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.
I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out. I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.
It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.
Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.
There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.