I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”
Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be. You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk. Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.
I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.
If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy. Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.
So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.
I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out. I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.
It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.
Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.
There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.
My friend, Sam, wrote a great post on Facebook. I loved the post. Fell asleep and woke up thinking about it bc I have those off days and sometimes it’s so hard to get out of a funk. Sometimes the dark actually feels so safe and familiar that I end up staying there longer than I should.
God has blessed my life in so many ways and I struggle to accept it sometimes bc it feels so foreign. Like I’ve been a fighter all my life. Not just for me but for my friends, family, justice. Hahahaha. To the point my husb has said for me to stop bc some things aren’t my battle.
Sitting still with happiness is scary for me because I wonder when she’s going to escape me like most things and people have in my life as a child. I keep telling myself, I’m not that abandoned child anymore but old scars don’t heal completely and always leave a trace of remembrance of how the hurt occurred.
I just read that loneliness comes from when you don’t have a purpose. I feel lonely a lot even with kids and a great husband. You cannot get edification through people, I’ve come to learn because when they grow and move in different directions from you… That same underlying loneliness will revisit you again. So what’s my purpose? What’s yours?
As a stay-at-home mother and wife, I’ve kinda given up my personal purpose and invested my purpose into the happiness of my kids and husband… And that there is a lonely and yet rewarding journey because your own purpose feels hidden somewhere. So I hope you find and stay where your happiness is.
This happiness thing to me is like peace… You feel its presence and you know its essence… You know its visited you and you know you’re its home … But sometimes you feel like you put it in such a safe place, you yourself forgot where it is.
Does that make sense?
This is me. Postbaby 7 weeks. I haven’t blogged in quite some time, but I had this indelible urge to write again lately. I know in a short month, I will have to prepare to take on the end of my Master’s program, so I’m voraciously doing some leisure reading and beginning to chronicle my journey as a mom of two.
My daughter loves her brother. Yet, she has shown signs of normal regression. Wanting to try all of the babies things. Needing extra attention. Oh gosh, the baby talk… cute until it gets annoying. Hahhahaha. Yes, I keep it real.
At the beginning when I got home with the baby from the hospital, nothing about my daughter’s behavior annoyed me. But set in sleep deprivation, the constant “mommy, mommy, mommy!!! Can I tell you something?” Me: “can you tell me without saying, ‘can I tell you something?'” haha, the annoying sound of the pump machine at night, homework, life, taking care of a newborn… oh, did I mention SLEEP DEPRIVATION??? then my patience becomes nonexistent. But I am praying and hoping (although I heard from my friend that “hope is not a strategy) that I find that place of reassuring guidance, love, and patience that my daughter needs right now. I hope I have the fortitude to learn to balance my needs FIRST without feeling GUILT.
This is when I began experiencing empathy for the first child. I’m the second and the last in my family. I wish parenting came with instructions or at least pictures to show you which is the right way up or down. 🙂 I say this, because recently, my husband and I have been having warfare with our daughter during homework time. Mind you, my husband is a great instructor who is energetic and fun, but even he gets worn down when my daughter for the 100th time says “N is a U.” Yes, they look similar, but that’s no excuse to get it wrong more than 20x in my opinion. Yes, I can be a bit tough but I have been way too liberal in my child-rearing of her till this point (great she just came in here and found her bike we were supposed to give her on her birthday!!!). I always allowed for her to just putz around and do things at her own will. Well now, we are interviewing and testing for private schools, so now the tides are changing. Something in me got triggered. I realized I can’t be lazy to raise a successful child.
Right now, I’m trying to analyze what kind of learner my daughter is. In the process, I have screamed my head off because my expectations are so high. I keep telling myself in a Finding Nemo like trance, “she’s never seen this… she’s never seen this.” But I can’t use that forever. SHE HAS SEEN THE ALPHABETS for at least two years now!!! Hahaha.
But at the end of the day, I come to conclude that none of this has anything to do with my daughter. It has to do with me. My demons. I have to disconnect from my past and embrace the woman I am today. I’m no longer the kid that was average in school because no one encouraged anything in me other than to be pretty. More than anything, I wanted to be viewed as “smart” like my sister. Actually, I knew I was probably smarter than my sister (I think my parents knew it too… sorry hyung)… but I never tried, because things came easily for me to just pass. I suppose this is my biggest regret. I never lived up to my full potential or got to discover what I was good at or even excellent at. I was a quitter. I never looked to the end of the road to discover that hard work and effort pays hundreds folds more than quitting. That discovery only comes with age and wisdom.
I’m fortunate though. I’m not my immigrant parents who couldn’t spend the time with their kids even if they wanted to because they were working hard in a foreign land to provide for their children. I have the ability to provide the opportunities for my children that my parents did not possess. What my kids do with these opportunities are my responsibility until it becomes time for them to bear the burden of the cross on their shoulders and learn to use what weapons and lessons I’ve given them into their lives on their own accord.
I will write about what I learned about myself during homework time in my next blog. Thanks for reading. Happy New Year.
Happy New Year’s Everyone. Yes, my greeting is a bit behind. I apologize.
It’s been hard getting out of Winter Wonderland mode and returning to the reality and hussle and bussle of carpool, drop offs and pickups, and life. I’m slowly getting back into the swing of things.
I visited my grandparents with my sister, Husb, and O during the holidays. And it’s always a very emotional situation for me. You realize that people do not age gracefully and it is difficult to fathom a person who was once vibrant and full of life become so incapacitated by their age, disease, and situation.
What dawned on me was… I will never know the grandparents I once had in this lifetime anymore. I will no longer be able to enjoy the delicious foods my grandmother once made and that I so took for granted. What I would do for just one more taste. If I had known the last time she made me my favorite dish would have been my last, I would’ve have enjoyed it more, appreciated it more, and thanked her more. Oh, those what ifs.
That’s when you realize, life… there are no guarantees. It hit hard. And I realized that, I just needed to live. Allow others to have their own opinions. And move on.
I needed to most of all… see the truth in people and my relationships with them. For so long, I think I crucified my husband. But like Ne-Yo’s song, “Let Me Love You…” how could you know what love is, when you have never had it. I get it now. And all along, I think I knew just denied that I was deserving of this blessed and generous life God has afforded to me. Why? Fear… of course. Fear that it would be taken away from me because I didn’t think I was deserving of it. But I accept it now. God wants me to have this amazing life and fully embrace it.
My husband… he’s simple. And I now understand the way he is capable of showing me his love. He’s my unconditional. I put that man through hell and back and then some… and the poor sap, is still here with me. (cue the violin… hahahahah). But I get him now. And I get his love. And I accept it as it is… not as I want it to be.
These life lessons have been hard acquired. But the best part of it is that its been acquired.
I am telling you… self-awareness, a little bit of therapy… and a lot of reading… really are lifesavers to live a great life. I have such great family and an amazing set of friends. What more could a person ask for, right? Everything else is icing on the cake. Don’t get me wrong… I’ve dealt with difficult things, even in my moments of catharsis and revelations, but I have learned to let those feelings exist in that moment and then let it go. (Man, therapy and Mr. JM… thank you). Whereas before, I would have over-analyzed, over-scrutinized, internalized, and revolted.
My sis… she will be on a new adventure. I hope it changes her to accept life’s mysteries and start learning to embrace the goodness within her own life as well.