My Journey Through Postpartum and Life After I Kicked It's A$$!!!

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My Mentality

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***(I got a new computer so I decided to write again… I don’t have many uploaded pictures yet, so this image will have to do! Bear with me while I navigate through the world of technology and learn how to use this computer the way it should be used!)!!!

I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”

Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be.  You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk.  Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.

I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.

If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy.  Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.

So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.

I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out.  I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.

It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.

Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.

There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.


Wow, its 2015!!! I haven’t blogged in some time.  Today, I felt the urge to do so.  I wanted to write just to write.  Just to let my feelings have a place to sit and relax.

Twenty-fourteen proved to be one of the biggest learning experiences of my life and a year where my mind transformed in many ways.  I have to say that God truly worked his magic on my mind and heart.

My dad passed away in November of 2014. I miss him. Some moments steal my breath. The reality of his death still has not settled in. When those moments of realization hit, I let them in slowly. It’s crushing, to say the least. There are moments I allow myself to breakdown and shout out loud, “please, come back!!!!! COME BACK. Where are you???” and I just wail. I JUST WAIL. Ugh, I miss him. I wish i could have one more conversation with him. I’m still so grateful though. I’m so thankful that I got to be there when he passed and that he wasn’t taken away from me abruptly. We, as a family, were granted time and not all people are fortunate enough to be allowed to see their loved ones off like that.  So thank you God.

The Things I’ve Learned:

1. I learned I did not fear death, I feared the grief I’d have to carry and walk through. I also learned how quickly people forget you still grieve and hurt after the funeral is over, because life moves in such high speeds. I learned too that that’s when you need them the most.  Yet, I learned you can become so much stronger than the grief, if you want to and move on through the pain.

2. I learned how to fight fairly. I learned communication is possible with objectivity and opposing views. I learned that hurt people do not need to hurt to be able to feel better.

3. I learned WOMEN are truly capable of having healthy, supportive, and non-competitive relationships. My girls… oh, these women, they are truly my sanity savers.

4. I learned I deserve to be happy and that it’s actually okay to embrace this happiness without fear it will be taken away.

5. I learned that I am not a victim. That my life experiences make me grateful, empathetic, and compassionate to others.

6. I learned I still have a long way to go and may never reach the person I want to become, but that is okay, because I’m conscious.  I’m aware.  I don’t deny I’m imperfect but I’m working on it and that’s enough.

7. I learned I have been blessed in so many ways and that this life is sooooooooooo good.

8. I learned the heart has an infinite amount of room for love even through heartache.  I learned the heart is the most resilient muscle in the body and so it should be taken care of with great care.

9. I learned therapy is worth every penny and the government really needs to incorporate mental health care into insurance policies.

10. I learned my triggers should not be projected onto my daughter or son, because my pain is my own and not theirs.

11. I learned parents are “bullies.” In our attempt to raise socially conscious children, I understand some of us can “fly off the handle” in moments of fatigue and frustration on our children. One day while I was driving, I had the self-realization that I was no better than a bully and its made me more cognizant of the fact that these little “clean slate beings” have not experienced this life as we have, so the world is new, fascinating, and perhaps even frightening to them and it’s my job to guide and teach them how to navigate through this world and cope without shouting and becoming broken in the process.  It isn’t always as easy to do as it is to write, but that’s my wish. Above all, that I’m not the one that breaks the spirit of my daughter or my son.


I didn’t know. I didn’t know a great deal of things prior to having children. Mainly, I didn’t know myself, my boundaries, or even how I wanted to raise my children. I wasn’t a planner. I didn’t know I would turn out to be what society is now calling “attachment parenter.” I was just doing what felt natural and almost customary in Asian households. You know, just things as I had seen and experienced growing up.

Nowadays, as I sit through play dates, therapy, and parenting classes, I start learning about what I like and can not tolerate by as an individual, a wife, and a mom. I learn more about who I am and who I refuse to become because the world puts so many pressures on moms these days.

I also realize that I’m no longer a product of my environment because I am now in control of building a healthy, happy, grateful, and loving environment for myself and my family.

People ask me all the time, “how come you aren’t resentful that you’re a single mom half the week and how do you fill the void?” Before I would become defensive and then become bitter towards my husband but now I just explain (if I feel the need) that this is “my” family’s dynamics and we make it work. I realized the more accepting I became of the “now,” I allowed myself to be happier, more content, and more grateful for the life I’ve been given. I choose to not wallow in self-pity or view my life as tormented as I had done in the past because it isn’t. I don’t know if that makes much sense but that’s the essence.

It’s like this. I can be content with the time apart from my husband because my husband supports me in anything I want to do and accomplish. He gives me the tools I need to 1) be a better person to myself which in turn allows me to be a better person to my kids and family and 2) he helped me create the life I’ve always wanted and I realized I only have this one life … And I really really really just want to enjoy it NOW.


Image

 

I had to post this picture, because it is so true.  I never thought of it that way… but a strong man loves me… and I accept it.

Recently, I’ve had a lot of health ups and downs.  And lately, I’ve been worn out and tired. The husbinator works a lot to afford us this amazing life that God has blessed us with.  And although there are moments of feeling overwhelmed and angry… I understand it now and accept that this is my life.  These are my circumstances and I need to focus on what is good about my life.

I have found that I have made some amazing friends through O’s school.  There are friends who “say” things like “yeah, call me whenever you need to talk or help with O.”  And their are those friends… who come over and really take care of you and your child.  The friends who offer your their bed to rest in while they entertain “YOUR” kid.  How amazing is this?  I’m blessed.

I haven’t been writing much lately because I’ve been feeling like I should keep things to myself… but when good things happen, I need to share.

I never realized how people you never expected will step up and really offer their helping hand with no expectations.  That is friendship.


Help

If You Were In Need… You would want someone to help right? Be that person!!!

While being sick these past few weeks, I have been trying to gather all the stored up “goods” that I have been blessed to accumulate and save for a “special day.”  Well, my special day has come, but I won’t be wearing the clothes or using the goods.  I am sending them to the east coast for the Hurricane Sandy relief efforts and to Baby2Baby.org.  Also, a great donation site is from my Moms Club of Mid-Wilshire group called “Mother-to-Mother Fund.”  This fund was started after the huge Northridge earthquake.

Mother-To-Mother Fund
International MOMS Club
1464 Madera Rd. #N-191
Simi Valley, CA 93065
This fund will be sent to help those most in need on the east coast.  While I do not like soliciting for money, I am definitely not opposed to putting out information so if you choose to bite at it… it’s there for consumption.
I give away things all the time.  Mostly to my cleaning lady who sends it to family and friends in Mexico.  But isn’t it ironic how you hold on to things because of sentimental value?  Like, “oh no, I can’t give this sweater I haven’t worn in 15 years, because my sister gave it to me.”  Or “I might wear this one day.”
So I have to stop myself and say… “Girl, you haven’t worn it and aren’t going to wear it.  And if you give it away and regret it… suck it up.”  I don’t need the stuff.  I know it.  But sometimes, sentimental values are so hard to let go of.  It’s my own issues with abandonment I think.  Like, I’m not a good person if I don’t cherish those things that were given specifically to me.  Yeah, I know… I am thinking wayyyyyy to far into this.
So cold turkey, I just throw these things into a bag and I don’t look back.  At the end of the day, someone else needs it more than I do.  And at the end of my life, I’m not taking anything with me but my soul.  It’s just stuff I tell myself.  Stuff that I can buy at a later date should I really need something.  I’m blessed to be in this position of giving and not needing.
So people, if you are having the same issues as I am… wanting to give but finding it hard to part with items that have collected dust… baby steps.  Do it.  Do it knowing someone else will be warm and cozy thanks to you.  I just picture myself and O in that predicament … and it becomes a lot easier for me to give.

 


So, I started my Master’s program. Whoo hoot. I’m not going any where prestigious but I’m getting it done and that’s all that matters. I’m legit. I have a photo ID and everything. I love it. I felt overwhelmed as I sat and listened to 9 hours of orientation and lectures on a nice, brilliant Sunday morning, but I feel great.

"My Course Direction..."

I’m on the Educator path… but will ultimately finish my FNP.

I think as a woman, we tend to lose sight of what’s in this life for us.  We focus on our kids, our households, and if lucky enough to have energy left on our spouses… ahahahahahaha.  But what about us?  I am having tons of girlfriends who are constantly chiming in about “mid-life crisis’…”  I’ve had mine too.  I think it comes when we stop for one minute to think about ourselves.  When we start thinking about what and how we haven’t done for ourselves… the neglects seem countless.  And the hurdle to get a sense of our own individualism seems to become insurmountable.

My BFF has been going through this.  Feeling like she’s wasting the best years of her life in carpool, waiting for kids to get out of lessons, and being a mom.  As a friend, you need to remind them (male/female/no gender discrimination)… about what their positive traits are.  I tell her all the time…”You aren’t wasting your youth away because you look fierce, you dress great, you have an amazing brood of children, and a husband who is absolutely smitten about you. Women and men are looking at you wishing they could be just a little bit more like you.”  And this is the honest to God truth about the way I feel about her.

Life’s not always easy.  And that’s why I say always surround yourself with people you know will always have something kind to say about you and to you without it being dishonest or generic.  You need to keep the organic friends around, because through and through these are the people who keep you healthy. And you have really got to FIND THE TIME… for yourself.  It took me 37+ years to feel my body catch up to my mind… and it’s telling me to finally start taking care of her first.  I have to give myself little reminders that I’m not being selfish, because ultimately, it’s for the betterment of my family and friends.


Supportive Friends & Moms

Surround yourself with people who support you even though they have different beliefs… that’s a true friend.

I am a part of a great mommy group called, “Moms Club of Mid-Wilshire.”  It’s an international group and you have one for your local area.  Just use your search engine to look for it.

The best part of this group… the current Board Members.  They are such a supportive group of women.  I had to step down from my position as Activities Coordinator because there was a lot going on in my life.  And yet, they didn’t turn the other cheek on me.  They just reached out and said, “let us know if we can do anything for you.”  How awesome is that?  I’ve been in other mommy groups where I got kicked out (from other blog posts) for not attending an activity at least monthly.  But no one called to find out why I wasn’t attending… no one cared that I was suffering.

It’s such a breath of fresh air to be amongst these women.  Their support really encourages me to want to be a part of this group.  They are so welcoming and non-judmental.  So please, go out and find your local MOMS CLUB group.  If you are a new mom… take advantage of playdates. No joke.  I didn’t and I regretted it so much.

If you are in the Mid-Wilshire area of Los Angeles… it’s momsclubmidwilshire.com!!


An Addiction

Facebook, I really missed you at the beginning…

One morning after dropping off O at school, I stared at my phone all morning and realized I was spending far too much time perusing other people’s lives on Facebook.  It made me think, “man, everyone else seems so happy.  What’s my problem?” Then later in the day, there was a parody about FB on some show saying, “Keeping It Real With Your Fake Friends.”  And I thought, “Omg, who on FB are really the people that make a difference in my life?”  That’s when I decided to deactivate my account.  More than not, most of the people on my account are people I never interact with or talk to anymore, so why divulge my life onto them? Do they care?  Are they smirking at me talking crap?  There were some friends I wasn’t that close to in highschool that actually have become great confidantes through it… but that’s really rare.

I missed FB at first.  The first few weeks were a bit challenging.  But now, I don’t have the urge to look anymore.  Of course during great O moments I want to shout it out to the FB world… but I don’t.  I do have my O’s Momma FB page… but it’s not the same.  I have 18 likes.  Ahahahahahaha.  But that’s ok, because it is another affirmation of who cares to be a part of my life and who doesn’t.

More and more as I get older… I know the difference between the  fake friends who are “keeping it real” and my true friends.  The real, true friends act and do… the fake just talk and say “yeah sure, I will support you” but never do.  Even with my run, no one other than my sister and Julie donated to my cause.

I know I didn’t solicit much, but I did put it out there and no one helped.  There will be a day when you or someone you know is suffering from a disease… and you will put yourself out there to help… and you will ask for support.  At that time, remember if you were that friend that turned the other cheek and kept scrolling down to see what your other friends were doing.  Or if you were the friend that took the time to stop and see if this cause was worth even a dollar.  I truly try to support my friends and kids in their fundraising goals, it’s important for me to show that I care and support them.  It’s the little gestures that count.


Best Friends

Julie and I at the start of the LA CANCER CHALLENGE 5K Run

I strive to do charitable work throughout my life.  I feel like it’s important to give back to the community and to others.  Cancer is an immensely important cause for me and finding a cure is of the utmost importance, especially after watching Karen suffer so much from the disease and lose her life to it.  But the best part of running for a cause is also to be able to get my family and friends involved as well.  My best friend has supported me for the past four years and has run with me at least once a year.  My sister, very reluctantly, joined in this year and I think she actually had a good time.  I won’t disclose her time though.  Ahahahahaha.

I didn’t train at all so I suffered.  I thought, “hey, I’ve been doing some cardio at home on my elliptical and did a whole 10 minute run on the treadmill at the gym.”  Oh man.  I know all too well that pavement running and treadmill running are two entirely different beasts.  But the cocky in me didn’t care.  Ahahahahaha.  My time wasn’t the best, but I did it.  And that is all that matters.  I made a small difference in the fight against cancer.

My husband even came out to support me.  This was a nice change because he never came out before to witness and be a part of such great energy.  He used to say it was too early.  I have to say it meant a lot.  And at the times, I wanted to walk… I thought, “no way… I’m not going to have him see me come in dead last.”  Ahahahahahaha.  There were grandma’s and grandpa’s passing me by.  But I really wanted to embrace the run.  I thought of Karen a lot during my solo run.  And I reminded myself, “I’m not in competition with anyone but myself.”

Mommy and Daughter Moments

A Precious Mommy & Daughter moment I will never forget.

The best part was getting O involved.  I had waited three years for this day.  I wanted her to have a love of running and being active.  I also wanted her to realize that mommy runs to support people who are sick and to help people who are less fortunate than we are.  It’s important for me to instill in her the love of philanthropy and having her feel empowered to make a change in this world.  I didn’t feel I had that growing up.  I didn’t think I could make a difference or that I did make a difference.  Early on, I want O to know that she makes a difference in the lives of others daily.

O wasn’t in the best of moods going to the run.  She was cranky, whining, and just not pleasant.  But once I was done with my race, it was time for hers.  She refused.  But with some encouragement, we set off holding hands.  It was a super short run for the kids (1K)… but she had so much fun, she wanted to join the bigger kids again.  And even when that was over, she wanted to run again.  Ahahahahahaha.  So on the final run, she and her daddy ran, because I was about to keel over from the heat (90 degrees… in OCTOBER!!!) and the dust.  Ugh, the dust is still coming out of my nostrils as I write this.  But it was all so worth it.  Even the asthma attack!!!

My next run is on 12/2 for Just Say No To Drugs.  It’s actually to have my husband participate, get out of his sedentary lifestyle, and also start doing things that are important to O and me.  And yes, I’m forcing my sister to do it too.  Haha.  I’m seeing my Pulmonologist this week… so hopefully, I will be better prepared next month!!!



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