My Journey Through Postpartum and Life After I Kicked It's A$$!!!

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My Mentality

Love this…

***(I got a new computer so I decided to write again… I don’t have many uploaded pictures yet, so this image will have to do! Bear with me while I navigate through the world of technology and learn how to use this computer the way it should be used!)!!!

I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”

Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be.  You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk.  Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.

I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.

If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy.  Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.

So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.

I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out.  I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.

It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.

Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.

There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.

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"Wedding Dress"

O walking in the sand at the park in her “wedding dress”

I love this picture of O from behind.  We went on an impromptu walk to Rite Aid and then on the way back we went to the park.  What was supposed to be a quick trip turned into a 4.5 hour excursion.  And it was pure bliss.  Even with the scorching hot sun.  I loved it.

Prior to our departure, I asked O what she would like to wear for our walk.  I was thinking shorts and a T-shirt.  But nope.  Girlfriend said (and yes, she’s been copying me using the word “hey girlfriend… dude girlfriend.”  Really, I need to stop talking to her so much… ahahahahahahaha)… “Momma, I need to wear my beautiful, wedding dress for our walk.”

I said, “Boo, we are just going on a quick walk.”

O:  But momma, I NEEEEEEEED to wear my wedding dress.

How do you say no?  You don’t.  Actually, I try not to get too involved in her outfit coordination because it’s a freedom she should own.  So even with the crazy hair pins and what not… I try to let it go.

Exhibit #1:  See this…done exactly as the boss ordered!!!

Freedom of Expression

I allow her to have “Freedom of Expression.”

Her dad, on the other hand, says… “don’t you think she’ll stick out too much?  Draw too much attention and take away from the class?”  Ahahahahahahaha.  I’m sure she does to a certain degree, but I don’t care.  It’s her freedom to express herself.

Wedding day in the Park

I love watching her play and interact with others… she’s a born loner and I love that she can role play by herself.

Anyways, I loved this day.  It reminded me of what childhood is all about.  To explore.  To learn.  To live without fear of scrutiny and judgment.  I loved that she didn’t care if her pretty dress got dirty.  I loved that she let go of her OCD tendencies to not like getting dirty and took her shoes off and ran into the sand.  I loved that she looked exhilarated while throwing sand into the air.  It was a moment of pure joy. And a reminder of innocence and love.  I hope and pray I never forget this feeling.

This kid… she gives me so many gifts daily.  Yes, headaches too.  But I am so immensely thankful she walked into my life.

Side note:  ****And a quick shout out to my sister for stepping up as a Cancer Survivor Mentor!!! Yay.  My sis feels embarrassed when I say she’s a survivor.  But she is.  That’s fact.  She down plays her cancer bout because she thinks she had the easy one.  No one has an easy battle with cancer.  Cancer (that bitch… ) is cancer.  I’m so proud of her for becoming a mentor for a young 36 year old woman who is going through her own battle against this A-hole disease.  It has spread from her thyroid to her lungs and hips due to improper diagnosis… please keep her in your prayers


Best Friends

Julie and I at the start of the LA CANCER CHALLENGE 5K Run

I strive to do charitable work throughout my life.  I feel like it’s important to give back to the community and to others.  Cancer is an immensely important cause for me and finding a cure is of the utmost importance, especially after watching Karen suffer so much from the disease and lose her life to it.  But the best part of running for a cause is also to be able to get my family and friends involved as well.  My best friend has supported me for the past four years and has run with me at least once a year.  My sister, very reluctantly, joined in this year and I think she actually had a good time.  I won’t disclose her time though.  Ahahahahaha.

I didn’t train at all so I suffered.  I thought, “hey, I’ve been doing some cardio at home on my elliptical and did a whole 10 minute run on the treadmill at the gym.”  Oh man.  I know all too well that pavement running and treadmill running are two entirely different beasts.  But the cocky in me didn’t care.  Ahahahahaha.  My time wasn’t the best, but I did it.  And that is all that matters.  I made a small difference in the fight against cancer.

My husband even came out to support me.  This was a nice change because he never came out before to witness and be a part of such great energy.  He used to say it was too early.  I have to say it meant a lot.  And at the times, I wanted to walk… I thought, “no way… I’m not going to have him see me come in dead last.”  Ahahahahahaha.  There were grandma’s and grandpa’s passing me by.  But I really wanted to embrace the run.  I thought of Karen a lot during my solo run.  And I reminded myself, “I’m not in competition with anyone but myself.”

Mommy and Daughter Moments

A Precious Mommy & Daughter moment I will never forget.

The best part was getting O involved.  I had waited three years for this day.  I wanted her to have a love of running and being active.  I also wanted her to realize that mommy runs to support people who are sick and to help people who are less fortunate than we are.  It’s important for me to instill in her the love of philanthropy and having her feel empowered to make a change in this world.  I didn’t feel I had that growing up.  I didn’t think I could make a difference or that I did make a difference.  Early on, I want O to know that she makes a difference in the lives of others daily.

O wasn’t in the best of moods going to the run.  She was cranky, whining, and just not pleasant.  But once I was done with my race, it was time for hers.  She refused.  But with some encouragement, we set off holding hands.  It was a super short run for the kids (1K)… but she had so much fun, she wanted to join the bigger kids again.  And even when that was over, she wanted to run again.  Ahahahahahaha.  So on the final run, she and her daddy ran, because I was about to keel over from the heat (90 degrees… in OCTOBER!!!) and the dust.  Ugh, the dust is still coming out of my nostrils as I write this.  But it was all so worth it.  Even the asthma attack!!!

My next run is on 12/2 for Just Say No To Drugs.  It’s actually to have my husband participate, get out of his sedentary lifestyle, and also start doing things that are important to O and me.  And yes, I’m forcing my sister to do it too.  Haha.  I’m seeing my Pulmonologist this week… so hopefully, I will be better prepared next month!!!


Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch Field Trip

It has been a tumultuous few weeks… maybe even months.  But watching my daughter have fun is the highlight in the reel of film that has been glum and sad to say the least.  This was taken during O’s first field trip for this year.  I hated the hay… and we all suffered afterwards… but being able to spend time with her an her friends was exactly what I needed.  My sister was in pure hell.  It was comedy watching the both of us hold tissues up to our runny noses.  She even hid in the car for a bit.

Perfect for the NON-CRAFTY people!!!

This was O’s and my attempt at a pumpkin.  My girlfriend, Jo, got one for her daughter while we were at the pumpkin patch and posted hers on Instagram and I thought… “omg, perfect for the mom/dad/adult who aren’t very crafty.”  Jo’s turned out way better.  Her daughter even had a mini version.  Super cute idea.

Such a great Hello Kitty Pumpkin… courtesy of my gf Crissy.

My gf texted this picture to me because she knows my obsession with Hello Kitty.  It’s the little things and gestures from your friends that remind you people think about you and care about you.  Simple pleasures.

Holiday Arts & Craft with O for the mommy/adult that does not know how to be crafty!!! Michael’s, you rock. This is on my sister’s door.

O and I made this one morning at my sister’s house.  We made it as a surprise for my family.  It’s just stickers, but looks good right?  And I didn’t have to kill a pine tree or whatever wreaths are made of.  I love spending time at my mom’s.  I don’t want to come back to my reality sometimes after being there for prolonged periods.  But I guess running away from your pain and emotions will at some point always come looking for you to fix.  I feel good these days though.  I feel like I am owning my womanhood, learning that I actually have a thing called “boundaries,” and being able to stand up for what I want and need in my life.

It’s beginning to Look a lot like Christmas… but the weather certainly doesn’t feel like it.

I love the holidays.  And I want my daughter to look forward to building great memories for herself as well.  My cousin will be put to rest today (Friday)… I still haven’t worked out why I have no tears.  I think subconsciously her death is a reminder for me that my sister is a survivor.  This is my first real experience with someone succumbing to the disease and it is a bit terrifying so I keep the reality of it at a distance.  Like I’ve said before, my sister survived.  My dad survived.  She was supposed to survive.  So her death conjures a great deal of fear in me because I know it could’ve been my sister.  It’s truly frightening.  I just hope her family can heal and be in a better place than they are now, because I am positive she is in a better place, free from pain.

Her death has made me really want to enjoy my life.  The way I want it.  So, I thank her immensely for touching my life in the way you have and helping me become stronger for myself.



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