The season is coming to an end. I don’t know if I’m happy to see 2012 come to an end. As hard as this year proved to be, I feel like I learned so much more about myself and have learned to allow myself to have boundaries. As a person, I feel I have definitely inched closer to becoming more whole. Mending the broken pieces within my mind and soul, that were once hidden and locked away deep inside, has been healing. You come to realize, at the end of the day… none of it really mattered. All that matters is how I deal with the now.
I understand the importance of walking through difficult times with humor and dignity rather than with anger and hostility, because in the end, I’m the only one who is angry.
I am vulnerable. Sensitive. And it’s okay. I can, finally at age 37, allow myself to feel these feelings. I can admit that I need help… and most of all, that I need my husband. I used to think being needy equated with being weak. My mindset has changed a bit. I’m still a strong person, but only when I need to be.
I also am thoroughly embracing the fact that my boundaries with people are more clear cut. I understand and accept that not everyone is a friend…and that is okay.
Watching O grow these past few months has been truly rewarding. Parenting, even with all the stress and fatigue, is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Her dad and I feel so truly blessed. We thank each other daily for helping create this little raggamuffin.
And what I appreciated most has been knowing the value of my friendships. I love having my meetings with my BFF and other girlfriends… and even if for just a moment together… I love the feeling of leaving with the stress of the world off my shoulders because they took off some of the load. I am so blessed.
I hope everyone had a safe, happy, and healthy holiday season. I pray that you find even more joy, love, health, and happiness in the new year.
As I get older, I think my appreciation for my culture and heritage grows. Watching Korean historical dramas (yes, fictional) helps me realize why my peeps are the way they are and why traditions (some… not all) are so important to uphold. While I was watching a historical drama, I just noticed how pretty Koreans did things in the past. The foods were colorful and the Hanboks (Korean dresses) were so beautiful. The dynasties and their customs… hierarchy… not so much. Haha. I, often, wonder where I would fit into the hierarchy. Peasant? Slave? Noblewoman? More and more I want to go to my motherland and immerse myself in the culture. It saddens me a bit too to know that O will probably never fully understand what it means to be Korean. I am a 1.5 generationer and I am stuck in the middle of two cultures. For her, I’m sure more than not, she is American. Yes, she looks yellow… but she will probably grow up adopting this lifestyle more. Of course unless I shove her culture down her throat which is something I am not prone to do.
But I love seeing the prowess of Koreans. I mean, call it ethnocentrism, but I am proud. We have come such a long way from being considered a third world country to now being a leading enterprise in business and media. It’s great.
To see people driving Korean cars in the US, using Korean brand electronics and telephones. People from all over watching Korean dramas and singing Korean songs. Way to go, Psy. Amazing. I’d never have guessed as a child that I would see this day. Learning to accept who and where you come from takes awhile. As a kid, I always felt embarrassed that my middle name wasn’t American enough, I felt embarrassed when my mom sacked Kimbab… now, I am so glad that people are so diverse and learning to accept one another’s differences.
World, we have come a long way. I just pray that life continues to evolve in a positive direction.