I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”
Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be. You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk. Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.
I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.
If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy. Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.
So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.
I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out. I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.
It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.
Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.
There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.
This is me. Postbaby 7 weeks. I haven’t blogged in quite some time, but I had this indelible urge to write again lately. I know in a short month, I will have to prepare to take on the end of my Master’s program, so I’m voraciously doing some leisure reading and beginning to chronicle my journey as a mom of two.
My daughter loves her brother. Yet, she has shown signs of normal regression. Wanting to try all of the babies things. Needing extra attention. Oh gosh, the baby talk… cute until it gets annoying. Hahhahaha. Yes, I keep it real.
At the beginning when I got home with the baby from the hospital, nothing about my daughter’s behavior annoyed me. But set in sleep deprivation, the constant “mommy, mommy, mommy!!! Can I tell you something?” Me: “can you tell me without saying, ‘can I tell you something?'” haha, the annoying sound of the pump machine at night, homework, life, taking care of a newborn… oh, did I mention SLEEP DEPRIVATION??? then my patience becomes nonexistent. But I am praying and hoping (although I heard from my friend that “hope is not a strategy) that I find that place of reassuring guidance, love, and patience that my daughter needs right now. I hope I have the fortitude to learn to balance my needs FIRST without feeling GUILT.
This is when I began experiencing empathy for the first child. I’m the second and the last in my family. I wish parenting came with instructions or at least pictures to show you which is the right way up or down. 🙂 I say this, because recently, my husband and I have been having warfare with our daughter during homework time. Mind you, my husband is a great instructor who is energetic and fun, but even he gets worn down when my daughter for the 100th time says “N is a U.” Yes, they look similar, but that’s no excuse to get it wrong more than 20x in my opinion. Yes, I can be a bit tough but I have been way too liberal in my child-rearing of her till this point (great she just came in here and found her bike we were supposed to give her on her birthday!!!). I always allowed for her to just putz around and do things at her own will. Well now, we are interviewing and testing for private schools, so now the tides are changing. Something in me got triggered. I realized I can’t be lazy to raise a successful child.
Right now, I’m trying to analyze what kind of learner my daughter is. In the process, I have screamed my head off because my expectations are so high. I keep telling myself in a Finding Nemo like trance, “she’s never seen this… she’s never seen this.” But I can’t use that forever. SHE HAS SEEN THE ALPHABETS for at least two years now!!! Hahaha.
But at the end of the day, I come to conclude that none of this has anything to do with my daughter. It has to do with me. My demons. I have to disconnect from my past and embrace the woman I am today. I’m no longer the kid that was average in school because no one encouraged anything in me other than to be pretty. More than anything, I wanted to be viewed as “smart” like my sister. Actually, I knew I was probably smarter than my sister (I think my parents knew it too… sorry hyung)… but I never tried, because things came easily for me to just pass. I suppose this is my biggest regret. I never lived up to my full potential or got to discover what I was good at or even excellent at. I was a quitter. I never looked to the end of the road to discover that hard work and effort pays hundreds folds more than quitting. That discovery only comes with age and wisdom.
I’m fortunate though. I’m not my immigrant parents who couldn’t spend the time with their kids even if they wanted to because they were working hard in a foreign land to provide for their children. I have the ability to provide the opportunities for my children that my parents did not possess. What my kids do with these opportunities are my responsibility until it becomes time for them to bear the burden of the cross on their shoulders and learn to use what weapons and lessons I’ve given them into their lives on their own accord.
I will write about what I learned about myself during homework time in my next blog. Thanks for reading. Happy New Year.
So the Part Deux comes from the fact that I was able to contain my composure after being told my paper topic, which was approved by the professor, was not actually part of the assignment. WTF!!! Right? Normally, I would have been irate. I was weeks into my research and four pages into my writing. That doesn’t sound like much but when you are writing about NURSING THEORIES… it seems like a crap load. But I owned my mistake and realized I had not read the directions carefully and was so grateful that the instructor herself was kind enough to acknowledge her role in the confusion as well. My assignment got more complicated but still I was able to use some of my writings. Whew. Look who’s growing up? ME!
We got a new fridge and she’s a beauty. Clean lines. Shiny. Silver. Fresh. Unbroken. It was funny because I posted a picture on Instagram and all my lady friends were so excited. I had to check again to make sure I hadn’t accidentally posted a picture of my dashing Husband. We, women, find the strangest things cool. I love that about my peeps. My sister was the most excited. It was as if I birthed a new child. She wanted to know measurements, fit, my feelings, and pictures. ahahahahahahahaha. Crazy lady.
I love this weather. It’s so gloomy, rainy, and comfy feeling. Even if I were out in the rain, it feels refreshing. It makes me feel awake and alive.
I’m running again on Sunday morning. It’s for the Just Say No To Drugs. I’m definitely not ready. I was sick for three weeks, so I wasn’t able to train. I really wanted to see if I could improve my time. It’s about me challenging myself. I don’t want to quit because it’s too hard, too tiring, or too painful. I know my mind is stronger now and I really want to see the connection between my mind & body. Thankfully, I have my inhaler this time.
I’m hoping one day soon, my sister also starts learning that her body needs to start connecting with what her mind is telling her. That she is not pardoned from illness which should be blatantly obvious because she is a cancer survivor and still fighting the battle against that bitch. (Yes, I said BITCH)!!! I remind her of all the times she’s said “When. When I get out of the hospital. When I start to heal. When I lose weight. When I have more time.” All those things have happened and yet that Change vs. Growth doesn’t seem to manifest. (Yep Hyung… I’m writing this directly to you). Your when is now. Look around because everyone’s life is moving forward. Maybe it’s time yours started to too. You’re smart. Kind. And beautiful. Embrace it.
That’s my textbook… what more is there to say. I’m burntout already and I just started my fourth week of classes. Online classes are lonely. I feel like I’m going through this torment all by myself. 😦 I did have a brief group meeting on Wednesday morning, but isn’t weird how everyone else seems like they have a grasp on things and just get it? I feel so lost. I am just looking forward to the finish line… but daily I tell myself… “I just want to quit.” But I won’t. Ugh… 18 more months. I could’ve been pregnant twice over during that same time. Haha.
This picture is what I’d really rather be doing. Being merry. Hanging with the homies. And having a nice cocktail. I want to frolick in the cold… well, in the heat really these days… but still.
To top things off, my freaking fridge is in the ICU on major life support. Well, no, I pulled the plug on her and she is waiting to be buried. So, I have no cold foods, no milk for my kid, and lots of wasted food. But on a lighter note… no cooking for a few days. And thankfully, her ass died during CYBER MONDAY.
I finally was able to donate some clothes, baby stuff, and books to Baby2Baby.org. It felt great. I have a boat load of baby equipment in storage as well that need to be donated. I can’t believe I’m actually giving the baby stuff away, because I’ve held on for so long with the thought of having another kid. But I’m sure that ship has sailed. And in an event a miracle blesses my womb… I will just have to suck it up and buy some more stuff again.
We had a great weekend at Legoland. It was our 6th Anniversary, so we took O with us to celebrate. It’s been a crazy six years. Lots of ups and downs, but full of growth and life lessons.
It really was a great weekend. I have been out of commission (even today) because I had the stomach flu starting on Thursday and now just a full blown-out cold with mouth breathing and night-time fits of coughing. So sleep? She and I aren’t friends again. My whole household is sick. Of course it started with the little munchkin bringing potent school ground germs home to share with her clan. Great. My dad, sister, husband, O, and I are all sick. So far my mom is the only one who isn’t breathing hot air through her mouth because she can’t breathe through her nose. But she’s coughing… so doesn’t look like she’s going to escape.
We stayed at the Park Hyatt Aviara. It’s great there. And if you have kids, it is pretty convenient to go to San Diego for SeaWorld or the zoo… and a hop and a skip away from Legoland. I got the best massage from a girl named, Mia. Oh how I miss her. She was seriously beyond amazing. #1 massage ever.
I had to make a deal with myself when I started school. I was never crazy about school as an undergrad because at that time, school had no direction for me. Once I started nursing school, I became a bit of a nerd. Overachiever. It made the journey not so fun. As I got older and continued school, I realized the A’s are amazing and gratifying… but I can’t have my life suffer just because I’m in school. So I have to balance my self-needs, my wife duties, my household duties, school duties… and now mommy duties. I come to learn that it is extremely difficult to be in school with a 3.5 year old in the same household. Study times are not the readily available to me nor are quiet times. Haha. I so give it up to any parent that is trying to continue school with children. Single parents even more so. Kudos.
So if I want to enjoy my life and not be a raging lunatic to my husband, O, and family… I need to be okay with receiving average grades. Of course I am not deliberately going to try to get Bs… but you get the drift. I refuse to miss a beat with my daughter because of my own goals. That would be selfish.