I talk to my best friend and friends all day long. We are each other’s lifeline to sanity. One day, my BFF and I were talking. It had been a particularly trying week with my kids and I was at my wits end and feeling inundated by noise and the sense of drowning was becoming overwhelming. I needed a break. I have yet to go away anywhere by myself since my six year old was conceived!!! This is in no way a woe-is-me type of blog. Rather, it’s a blog to show you what is possible and why guilt should not wear you out when all you are trying to do is stay afloat and not just survive… but thoroughly enjoy this one life we are granted. My husband gives me every arsenal I need to conquer the day, conquer my demons, and win over what my mind sometimes (and very often) tells me I cannot accomplish.
So on this day, I was texting with my BFF and I was telling her I need to get away, but giving her all the reasons why I couldn’t. She then just said, “why? why can’t you? It’s not like you can’t afford it. It’s not like you don’t have help with the kids, so why don’t you just go or go buy yourself those shoes you’ve been wanting?” She continued to tell me, she is all about “self-preservation parenting” because if she doesn’t do that, she wouldn’t be useful to herself or to her family. (She’s a little wise one, that best friend of mine… she really is). And so, it clicked. It made so much sense.
I pour on guilt because my husband works hard so I can stay home and raise my kids, so I don’t want to spend his hard earned money on “extravagant things,” just because I can. I can. Yes, to a certain degree, my life has been blessed but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of consciousness and gratitude for the amount of work my husband puts into affording us this lifestyle. That being said, I do feel like what all parents need is to allow themselves certain freedoms and pick me ups here and there just to make this journey more manageable and fun. My husband needs his friends and Vegas as much as he needs air and water… I need alone time and my girlfriends just as much with an occasional splurge on something nice. I believe not every day has to feel like a sacrifice for the kids. No, it doesn’t make me selfish. It doesn’t make me less of a mother with no sense of priorities. It makes me a happier mother, wife, and woman. And that is worth its weight in gold.
Here’s the catcher, always live within your means. Do not compare your lives to others. My husb and I were just having a conversation during dinner with some friends last night, and it’s so true that everyone else’s lives seem prettier and greener from the outside but that is not always the case. Live within YOUR means. Do not crucify yourself or your spouse if some things others have isn’t in your cards. Appreciate what is yours.
People get so caught up LIVING OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES that you really forget to just live your own. That is so disingenuous to the life you were meant to live. That steals away from your sanity and your ability to preserve a sense of authenticity in your life.
Life is good. It’s meant to teach you about YOU. You can’t do that when you are living a life that is not organic to you. So while I’m all about leaving something for yourself, make sure it’s something worth the effort, time, and money. Because if it’s not, it’s just not worth wasting moments with your family and loved ones. It just isn’t for me.
It’s been a long time since I last posted. Lots has changed. I’m expecting my second baby in about two months. The pregnancy was easy and hard at the same time for various reasons. I was expecting twins, but one did not make it. That will be something I get into at a later time.
But I’ve been practicing the art of putting “me” first. I don’t have time to worry about what other people are doing. I keep trying to make other people happy to the point where I leave no reserve for myself and that turns out horribly in the end.
This was the interview. It says to only give 70% of yourself to your children, because if you give 100% you will end up hating them. Haha. But I really think that this rings true. No other person will understand this feeling unless you are a parent.
My therapist says I tend to guilt myself too much for things I have absolutely no control over. Things like other people’s happiness, their health, their wealth, and I tend to feel guilty if I am not able to provide those things for them. So I have to now make a concerted effort to really not give a sh!t when there is nothing I can do. I literally have driven myself to physical exhaustion and at the end of the day, I don’t even get a “thank you for helping me.” Life lessons are hard learned sometimes.
I don’t know what’s worst… death or the process of dying.
It looks like my cousin is losing her battle with cancer. It’s hard for me to digest as it not only cuts too close to home but it is my first real experience with someone succumbing to the disease in front of my very eyes. I think I’ve been in denial about her. She’s always been vivacious and beautiful. The cool older sister. I’ve never met anyone who died from cancer. My sister survived. My dad survived. She was suppose to survive.
Throughout her battle, I’ve seen her here and there. She always looked like herself and acted like herself even through the pain, heartache, and anger. When I saw her yesterday, I didn’t recognize her. No, she was unrecognizable. Taken by the cancer. Eaten by the anorexia. I only realized it was her when the sweetness of her voice sounded familiar to me. I was taken aback to say the least. But no tears. No feelings. And I didn’t understand it as I am an emotional person these days.
I hold a wall up. I answer questions for my uncle the best I can. I don’t let myself get emotionally connected. I think it’s because I’m scared. Not of death. But that she’s a mom to a young 5 year old girl. I think I block out sympathizing with her for the profound sadness she must feel leaving that beautiful little girl. Wondering if her daughter will ever know what her mom went through to have that little, precious being come into her life and into this world. How brave her mom has been for that little girl. How hard her mom fought in this battle to stay alive for that little girl. Will that little girl know? I know these were and are still questions I ask daily in regards to my relationship with my daughter. The difference is I’m here to tell her. That’s the part that gets me and that’s the part I try to block out.
I see my uncle and his want for his little girl to be physically available. To remain on this earth. It was truly a difficult conversation for me to have with him. To tell him to let her be comfortable. To let her decide what she wants. And yet, to start preparing to let her go peacefully.
Death. It’s finite. The dying part is not. I think it’s such a drawn out process of unanswered questions and of the unknown. The part of death I think that is scary… is leaving behind the people you love. Not being able to be here to reassure them that you are ok and at peace. And wondering if they are holding up. My girlfriend said if she died leaving behind her children she would die with her eyes open because she wouldn’t be at peace leaving behind her precious loves. I fear that for my cousin as well. That although her body may be at peace when she leaves this earth…her mind, heart, and soul may not be. And that’s the saddest thing to me, because when she or anyone goes… I want them to go fully at peace and without fear.