This picture was from Sunday night. My husband asked me out to the UCLA game. They lost. Unbelievable being they were up like 18 points at one point. They became complacent. The irony right? I think that’s like marriage and relationships. You give it your all at the beginning because you want the relationship to go some place, so you work hard. Then once you achieve a sense of security, that tenaciousness and vivacity kind of disappears. Am I right? So one person starts to revolt. That person being me. Haha.
But we are married. We have a child. We still love each other immensely. He is after all the love of my life… and I would like to presume, I am his. But, life gets in the way of our abilities to show one another the worth in them from our eyes. We forego the simple gestures of kindness with the thought, “oh he should know.” But maybe they don’t.
We hit a rough patch. And it wasn’t easy to overcome. But these are some of the small steps we were forgetting about to help always keep the fire going.
- we ask each other on dates
- we pray
- we go to church
- and we keep the focus on us
- we express our thoughts and feelings more freely without fear of judgment
- we don’t compare ourselves to that of others
I had to practice the last one. Why? Because I am innately a competitive person. I want to do great things. Not for outside accolades but because internally I feel good. And with this, I had to clean house again. There were people in my life that weren’t bringing out the best in me. They wanted all of me, but would only give me a piece of them. It was about their convenience. Their life. Their time. I’m okay with that to a certain degree, but after awhile, you just realize that that friendship isn’t as fulfilling as you had hoped it would be.
I had a few friends whom I loved dearly. But I don’t think I have enough room in my heart for them anymore. I didn’t like the way I felt around them and it was eating away at the core of me. I think it was because all along I knew these people would walk away once they got what they needed from me. Which I believe was a tiny bit of comfort during a time of loneliness. And I don’t blame them, because I can so relate to those feelings. But I need continuity. And a sense of belonging to one another for one another. Does that make sense? My husband is like, “you can still be friends with them.” But for me, I’m not like that. Either you are my friend or you aren’t. And for the most part, they weren’t really my friends to begin with. Why I put so much energy into building friendships with people stems from my own need to feel that close knit tie… the sense of family and comradery. But now, I don’t really feel inclined to need it so much. I have my own little unit… and a great sister, mom, and dad. And more and more, I feel the few great friends that I have are just icing on the cake.
Anyways, it was a nice night. It was cute because he kept commenting on how he liked my look. I felt bashful. And my sarcastic ass wanted to say something snide, because that’s how I accept compliments. But this night, I just absorbed it. I could tell he wasn’t just shooting hot air up my butt, because he mentioned a few times how he liked my “hoop” earrings. Ahahahahahaha. He’s so random.
That’s my textbook… what more is there to say. I’m burntout already and I just started my fourth week of classes. Online classes are lonely. I feel like I’m going through this torment all by myself. 😦 I did have a brief group meeting on Wednesday morning, but isn’t weird how everyone else seems like they have a grasp on things and just get it? I feel so lost. I am just looking forward to the finish line… but daily I tell myself… “I just want to quit.” But I won’t. Ugh… 18 more months. I could’ve been pregnant twice over during that same time. Haha.
This picture is what I’d really rather be doing. Being merry. Hanging with the homies. And having a nice cocktail. I want to frolick in the cold… well, in the heat really these days… but still.
To top things off, my freaking fridge is in the ICU on major life support. Well, no, I pulled the plug on her and she is waiting to be buried. So, I have no cold foods, no milk for my kid, and lots of wasted food. But on a lighter note… no cooking for a few days. And thankfully, her ass died during CYBER MONDAY.
I finally was able to donate some clothes, baby stuff, and books to Baby2Baby.org. It felt great. I have a boat load of baby equipment in storage as well that need to be donated. I can’t believe I’m actually giving the baby stuff away, because I’ve held on for so long with the thought of having another kid. But I’m sure that ship has sailed. And in an event a miracle blesses my womb… I will just have to suck it up and buy some more stuff again.
Most people never disclose what’s going on in their marriage. For the better part of life, we pretend that every thing is picturesque and we hide behind our pain with smiles and laughs in front of others. Maybe in fear of judgment. Maybe in doubt of ourselves. Maybe in doubt of our abilities to be able to handle life. I don’t know what it is. Why we feel the need to front that life is great. That we are unbroken. That we are happy.
I think as we get older, we find a median. A middle ground of solace. A place of comfort. A place where we feel we fit in and are safe. I don’t know where that is for you, but for me… it’s wherever my daughter is at.
I love how people give glimpses of their happy moments. They post the happy pictures on Facebook and Instagram. And everything seems peachy-keen. They forego taking pictures of the temper tantrums and meltdowns because at those times, they are too busy dealing with the chaos than having time taking pictures.
Life. It’s not easy. And no one knows what’s going on in your life. At times, we feel attacked. At times, we feel judged. At times, we feel insecure. But knowing that we have a core group of friends who have our best interest at hand… should give us strength. And that in no way do we judge, do we mean you harm or pain, or that we believe we are in a better situation than you.
I am so fortunate to have such a great circle of women who have given me strength when I didn’t have enough on my own. I am so forever grateful to have people to break bread with and share the woes of life. Thanks, Netters, Jenn, Allison… life became that much simpler because of you gals.
We had a great weekend at Legoland. It was our 6th Anniversary, so we took O with us to celebrate. It’s been a crazy six years. Lots of ups and downs, but full of growth and life lessons.
It really was a great weekend. I have been out of commission (even today) because I had the stomach flu starting on Thursday and now just a full blown-out cold with mouth breathing and night-time fits of coughing. So sleep? She and I aren’t friends again. My whole household is sick. Of course it started with the little munchkin bringing potent school ground germs home to share with her clan. Great. My dad, sister, husband, O, and I are all sick. So far my mom is the only one who isn’t breathing hot air through her mouth because she can’t breathe through her nose. But she’s coughing… so doesn’t look like she’s going to escape.
We stayed at the Park Hyatt Aviara. It’s great there. And if you have kids, it is pretty convenient to go to San Diego for SeaWorld or the zoo… and a hop and a skip away from Legoland. I got the best massage from a girl named, Mia. Oh how I miss her. She was seriously beyond amazing. #1 massage ever.
I had to make a deal with myself when I started school. I was never crazy about school as an undergrad because at that time, school had no direction for me. Once I started nursing school, I became a bit of a nerd. Overachiever. It made the journey not so fun. As I got older and continued school, I realized the A’s are amazing and gratifying… but I can’t have my life suffer just because I’m in school. So I have to balance my self-needs, my wife duties, my household duties, school duties… and now mommy duties. I come to learn that it is extremely difficult to be in school with a 3.5 year old in the same household. Study times are not the readily available to me nor are quiet times. Haha. I so give it up to any parent that is trying to continue school with children. Single parents even more so. Kudos.
So if I want to enjoy my life and not be a raging lunatic to my husband, O, and family… I need to be okay with receiving average grades. Of course I am not deliberately going to try to get Bs… but you get the drift. I refuse to miss a beat with my daughter because of my own goals. That would be selfish.
I got dropped off at work by my husband this morning because my office’s parking is horrific. And I wanted to be a bit more adventurous and independent, so I decided I’d either walk all the way home or take the bus. I was intimidated at first, because I haven’t ridden public transportation in LA in eons. O’s been on the bus with my mom more times than I have. I love that my mom does that with O… although after today’s ride… I’m not sure about the cleanliness of the bus or of some riders. I have to say… some were definitely not smelling great. I know this sounds so bitchy… but I’m OCD. It didn’t help that I saw a man with a hospital admit bracelet on. My hamster was going nuts thinking about all the communicable respiratory diseases he might be spreading to us. Hah. I know, I’m crazy.
The best part of this trip came when a nice African American gentleman entered the bus with an armful of baggage. A small child, a stroller, an OPEN basket of kid goodies, a Target bag, and a backpack. Yep, I noticed everything. Then the inevitable happened. He dropped the insides of the basket. I didn’t know if I should get the baby, get the fallen stroller, or pick up the goodies off of the floor. So I sat in astonishment and watched as a nice guy came to the front of the bus to help. I felt guilty for not helping afterwards. I’m usually good about stuff like that too… thumbs down to me.
Anyways, after he gathered himself, he said… “man, I need to go home and hug my wife a few more times today. This is no joke. All this stuff with a baby while riding the bus. Whew, I’ll never tell her how hard can it be.” So I said, “try adding groceries to that.” It was great to hear another man chime in and raise his arms in surrender and admit too that being a mom is a hard job. The icing on the cake is when the other nice man said… “and man, it doesn’t end for them!!!” Amen.
I love men that can admit these things. I appreciate these men. They even went as far to say… it doesn’t even matter if you have a car or not… it’s still so damn hard. These are real men!!!
Metro 20 Eastbound… you were a great experience in so many ways.
I hope you all went out to ROCK THE VOTE!!!
I’ve been voting since the year I turned 18!!! So like 5 years ago. Haha.
It’s important for you to exercise your rights. You can’t complain about the world if you don’t rock the vote. I get at my husband because in the eight years we’ve been together, I do not think he’s ever exercised his constitutional rights.
Why is it important to me? Because I want to be heard. I want to exercise my rights. I want to make a difference. I want to live in a world where change can happen with one vote. I don’t want to sit in a world that other people made for me.
Is it important to you? If so, why? If not, why not? No judgment.