It’s been a long time since I last posted. Lots has changed. I’m expecting my second baby in about two months. The pregnancy was easy and hard at the same time for various reasons. I was expecting twins, but one did not make it. That will be something I get into at a later time.
But I’ve been practicing the art of putting “me” first. I don’t have time to worry about what other people are doing. I keep trying to make other people happy to the point where I leave no reserve for myself and that turns out horribly in the end.
This was the interview. It says to only give 70% of yourself to your children, because if you give 100% you will end up hating them. Haha. But I really think that this rings true. No other person will understand this feeling unless you are a parent.
My therapist says I tend to guilt myself too much for things I have absolutely no control over. Things like other people’s happiness, their health, their wealth, and I tend to feel guilty if I am not able to provide those things for them. So I have to now make a concerted effort to really not give a sh!t when there is nothing I can do. I literally have driven myself to physical exhaustion and at the end of the day, I don’t even get a “thank you for helping me.” Life lessons are hard learned sometimes.
I can’t even put into words the magnitude of grief I feel for all those affected by this senseless act of violence. I won’t even probe on gun control at this time. I just want to express my deepest of sadness and condolences for those poor kids and staff who lost their lives to someone who was afflicted by mental illness. It does not even make sense to me why he had to go to the school to do more damage after he had already killed his mother. WHY???? WHY???? WHY???? The kids? They were merely 6 years old. What did they do?
While my mom and I sat in pure shock… she told me an old Korean adage. That “life without children is freedom from stresses and fear.” I told her, but a “life without children is a life without knowing love.” What’s worse? I can’t even fathom the grief the families must be going through because I am sitting here still in disbelief and tons of sadness. To know such pure love of innocent youth and to have that unconditional bond be so abruptly taken away is the worst form of punishment on earth. But to seek comfort, I hope they feel blessed to have known each of those pure souls for even those short six years.
I ache wondering if the children suffered. If it hurt. And I pray that they didn’t. I pray they didn’t have enough time to know fear or to feel pain. And I hope that all twenty children and seven adults closed their eyes and went to heaven immediately.
He did the cowardly thing taking his own life. I hope he is burning in hell and feeling the wrath of all those he affected. And yet, I wonder too… what torment did he go through in his lifetime that he so viciously and maliciously wanted to afflict the same grievous amount of hurt onto the world.
It’s crazy that in my last post, I prayed for a more evolved, positive world… and just a few short minutes later… this tragedy was on the news. I prayed to God that He would help me understand this. Why things like this happen, because right now, I still can’t seem to find a justification. Not for this one, not for the Wisconsin, Virginia, Columbine, movie theatre, mall or all the other mass shootings… I need to know why.
My friend, George Mitrospetros, wrote it best on his Facebook wall:
Sorry for all the errors, but I wrote this truly disturbed and in a state of utter disappointment at the world we live in.
It is true too, that the media needs to stop sensationalizing this situation. Because it is going to prompt the next idiot to do something worse to top this and become a household name. Remember the innocent people and their sacrifice. Not the killer.
As I get older, I think my appreciation for my culture and heritage grows. Watching Korean historical dramas (yes, fictional) helps me realize why my peeps are the way they are and why traditions (some… not all) are so important to uphold. While I was watching a historical drama, I just noticed how pretty Koreans did things in the past. The foods were colorful and the Hanboks (Korean dresses) were so beautiful. The dynasties and their customs… hierarchy… not so much. Haha. I, often, wonder where I would fit into the hierarchy. Peasant? Slave? Noblewoman? More and more I want to go to my motherland and immerse myself in the culture. It saddens me a bit too to know that O will probably never fully understand what it means to be Korean. I am a 1.5 generationer and I am stuck in the middle of two cultures. For her, I’m sure more than not, she is American. Yes, she looks yellow… but she will probably grow up adopting this lifestyle more. Of course unless I shove her culture down her throat which is something I am not prone to do.
But I love seeing the prowess of Koreans. I mean, call it ethnocentrism, but I am proud. We have come such a long way from being considered a third world country to now being a leading enterprise in business and media. It’s great.
To see people driving Korean cars in the US, using Korean brand electronics and telephones. People from all over watching Korean dramas and singing Korean songs. Way to go, Psy. Amazing. I’d never have guessed as a child that I would see this day. Learning to accept who and where you come from takes awhile. As a kid, I always felt embarrassed that my middle name wasn’t American enough, I felt embarrassed when my mom sacked Kimbab… now, I am so glad that people are so diverse and learning to accept one another’s differences.
World, we have come a long way. I just pray that life continues to evolve in a positive direction.
I have pretty profound dreams. For the past few days, I’ve been having dreams about being sick. I think cancer has been on my brain because of my cousin and more recently because my sister. But lately, while driving I kept feeling like a car accident was going to happen. How I would prepare for one … but you can’t. But my little hamster would think of ways to keep the people in my car, namely O, safe. I know I am weird. Maybe self-fulfilling prophesy. I don’t know. But it always happens that way to me.
My husband’s partner got into a bad collision on the way to work. And today, my husband was involved in a car accident. They are both safe. Which is all that matters… but both their cars will now be in the hospital. Better the cars than the humans. Anyday.
People… it takes only a few seconds to make the wrong move. I can’t emphasize enough… just like drunk driving… if you mess around while you drive… eating, texting, calling, changing the radio station… STOP. You are going to hurt someone else. Please stop. I’m guilty of it too. But after today, it’s really eye opening to know how quickly lives can change because someone decided a text or a phone call was more important than safety.
I truly thank God he is ok.
So the Part Deux comes from the fact that I was able to contain my composure after being told my paper topic, which was approved by the professor, was not actually part of the assignment. WTF!!! Right? Normally, I would have been irate. I was weeks into my research and four pages into my writing. That doesn’t sound like much but when you are writing about NURSING THEORIES… it seems like a crap load. But I owned my mistake and realized I had not read the directions carefully and was so grateful that the instructor herself was kind enough to acknowledge her role in the confusion as well. My assignment got more complicated but still I was able to use some of my writings. Whew. Look who’s growing up? ME!
We got a new fridge and she’s a beauty. Clean lines. Shiny. Silver. Fresh. Unbroken. It was funny because I posted a picture on Instagram and all my lady friends were so excited. I had to check again to make sure I hadn’t accidentally posted a picture of my dashing Husband. We, women, find the strangest things cool. I love that about my peeps. My sister was the most excited. It was as if I birthed a new child. She wanted to know measurements, fit, my feelings, and pictures. ahahahahahahahaha. Crazy lady.
I love this weather. It’s so gloomy, rainy, and comfy feeling. Even if I were out in the rain, it feels refreshing. It makes me feel awake and alive.
I’m running again on Sunday morning. It’s for the Just Say No To Drugs. I’m definitely not ready. I was sick for three weeks, so I wasn’t able to train. I really wanted to see if I could improve my time. It’s about me challenging myself. I don’t want to quit because it’s too hard, too tiring, or too painful. I know my mind is stronger now and I really want to see the connection between my mind & body. Thankfully, I have my inhaler this time.
I’m hoping one day soon, my sister also starts learning that her body needs to start connecting with what her mind is telling her. That she is not pardoned from illness which should be blatantly obvious because she is a cancer survivor and still fighting the battle against that bitch. (Yes, I said BITCH)!!! I remind her of all the times she’s said “When. When I get out of the hospital. When I start to heal. When I lose weight. When I have more time.” All those things have happened and yet that Change vs. Growth doesn’t seem to manifest. (Yep Hyung… I’m writing this directly to you). Your when is now. Look around because everyone’s life is moving forward. Maybe it’s time yours started to too. You’re smart. Kind. And beautiful. Embrace it.
That picture is some of the random things I do with O that maybe aren’t the smartest things… but still memorable nonetheless. Don’t get your panties all bunched up. We were in our gated community in a cul-de-sac and driving like 5 mph. But if were a picture of my husband and her doing this… I would’ve said, “OMG, you are setting such a bad example to her.” Ahahahahahahaha. Hypocrite. I know.
But YOLO right? Life is too short to take things so seriously and have everything equate to a catastrophic event. I’m in my late 30s now and all I want to do is live. Live each day feeling like I did something fulfilling. Inching towards putting more and more check marks on my extensive bucket list of things to still do, see, accomplish, and experience.
I think at this age, Erik Erickson says we are in the Generativity vs. Stagnation part of our lives. “Generativity vs. stagnation is the second stage of adulthood and happens between the ages of 25-64. During this time people are normally settled in their life and know what is important to them. A person is either making progress in their career or treading lightly in their career and unsure if this is what they want to do for the rest of their working lives. Also during this time, a person is enjoying raising their children and participating in activities, that gives them a sense of purpose. If a person is not comfortable with the way their life is progressing, they’re usually regretful about the decisions and feel a sense of uselessness.”
I am soooooooo in this stage. My nursing and those into psychology and sociology should be very familiar with this. But yes, I’m at a stage where I am definitely less fearful of doing new things, especially on my own, in order to fulfill voids in me that weren’t being attended to. It’s been great. I’m starting to let go of all the things I was holding on to just in case… just in case I get pregnant, just in case I move, just in case …just in case. But you can’t live like that.
I have a friend who started taking acting classes recently and I truly think it is so awesome. He is fulfilling his dreams. That was once a dream of mine as well… yep, I wanted to become a famous actress or some sort of television personality. I have always hidden that want in fear of ridicule and judgment but now… I don’t care. Hahahaha.
Setting up healthy boundaries has been instrumental for me. I never wanted to say no to people because I feared they would feel hurt and rejected by me. Because I know those feelings are so isolating, profound, and intoxicatingly painful. But now, I can say no and tell myself “it’s ok.” It’s strange because a huge change has occurred and shifted my thinking. And this gives me a sense of freedom which in turn gives me a feeling of peace. That I’m not in a battle with the world anymore. And that the world is no longer out to get me.
I see the changes in my relationship with O even. I’m less impatient, far less hostile, and definitely way way way more loving. It has been a prayer answered from the Almighty. And what I feel more thankful than anything for this year, is that I feel like my parents are starting to open themselves up more to the Christian faith and I think it’s thanks to O.
Have a great day everyone. It’s getting more and more challenging to post things daily, because I’m back getting my Master’s. So with papers, reading requirements and assignments, oh and a little thing called life with a small child… I don’t have that much free time anymore. So, I’m going to have to see a ton of more support and encouragement from you guys and your friends to feel the love to continue writing 😛 !!!