I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”
Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be. You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk. Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.
I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.
If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy. Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.
So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.
I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out. I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.
It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.
Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.
There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.
I was at my OB/Gyn appointment when my quirky Dr started talking about exercising.
He asked me, “do you exercise?”
I said, “yes.”
He said, “what do you do?”
Me: “I do some cardio.”
Him: “Like what?”
Me: “Elliptical. Light running.” (Hamster (internal dialogue): why the f is he asking such details? OK OK… I don’t exercise that much… Geez).
Him: “Do you do spinning?”
Me: “No. No way. I don’t need my crotch to be on fire.”
Him: “But you are standing most of the time.”
Me: “Yes. If you do it right. Why? Did you like it?”
Him: “yeah, the after. But during, I didn’t like it because everyone else seemed better than me.”
Me: “You’re a perfectionist.”
Him: “Yeah, well duh. Aren’t you?”
Me: “No. I’m average. And I’m contented being average.”
Yep, these are the convo’s I have with my Gyno. Crazy, right? He’s young. He’s funny. I hear mommies go nuts over him. I get it. But to me, he’s just my Gyno/part time shrink.
With this convo, I realized that the pursuit of perfection is fuel for some people and disaster for others. For me, it’s not fun. It hasn’t been fun. To be honest, I don’t know what perfection is. I get glimpses of it when I stare at my daughter. When I feel her unjaded sweetness… I think that’s as close to perfection I am ever going to get. When she was an infant… she was perfection. But I missed the opportunity to thoroughly enjoy it because I was so caught up in my own distress. Now, she’s perfection in her stubborness, her humor, her naivety…and her blossoming personality. But for me personally, the pursuit of it has oftentimes left me feeling even more inadequate and lonely.
So yes, I am absolutely resolved with being mediocre. Average. Normal. The ironic thing is… I don’t even know what normal is. I let out a chuckle right now because really… what is normal? I’d like to think it could be me. That I really am and could be normal. That I could feel normal. That would feel like perfection to me.