I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”
Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be. You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk. Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.
I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.
If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy. Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.
So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.
I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out. I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.
It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.
Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.
There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.
That picture is some of the random things I do with O that maybe aren’t the smartest things… but still memorable nonetheless. Don’t get your panties all bunched up. We were in our gated community in a cul-de-sac and driving like 5 mph. But if were a picture of my husband and her doing this… I would’ve said, “OMG, you are setting such a bad example to her.” Ahahahahahahaha. Hypocrite. I know.
But YOLO right? Life is too short to take things so seriously and have everything equate to a catastrophic event. I’m in my late 30s now and all I want to do is live. Live each day feeling like I did something fulfilling. Inching towards putting more and more check marks on my extensive bucket list of things to still do, see, accomplish, and experience.
I think at this age, Erik Erickson says we are in the Generativity vs. Stagnation part of our lives. “Generativity vs. stagnation is the second stage of adulthood and happens between the ages of 25-64. During this time people are normally settled in their life and know what is important to them. A person is either making progress in their career or treading lightly in their career and unsure if this is what they want to do for the rest of their working lives. Also during this time, a person is enjoying raising their children and participating in activities, that gives them a sense of purpose. If a person is not comfortable with the way their life is progressing, they’re usually regretful about the decisions and feel a sense of uselessness.”
I am soooooooo in this stage. My nursing and those into psychology and sociology should be very familiar with this. But yes, I’m at a stage where I am definitely less fearful of doing new things, especially on my own, in order to fulfill voids in me that weren’t being attended to. It’s been great. I’m starting to let go of all the things I was holding on to just in case… just in case I get pregnant, just in case I move, just in case …just in case. But you can’t live like that.
I have a friend who started taking acting classes recently and I truly think it is so awesome. He is fulfilling his dreams. That was once a dream of mine as well… yep, I wanted to become a famous actress or some sort of television personality. I have always hidden that want in fear of ridicule and judgment but now… I don’t care. Hahahaha.
Setting up healthy boundaries has been instrumental for me. I never wanted to say no to people because I feared they would feel hurt and rejected by me. Because I know those feelings are so isolating, profound, and intoxicatingly painful. But now, I can say no and tell myself “it’s ok.” It’s strange because a huge change has occurred and shifted my thinking. And this gives me a sense of freedom which in turn gives me a feeling of peace. That I’m not in a battle with the world anymore. And that the world is no longer out to get me.
I see the changes in my relationship with O even. I’m less impatient, far less hostile, and definitely way way way more loving. It has been a prayer answered from the Almighty. And what I feel more thankful than anything for this year, is that I feel like my parents are starting to open themselves up more to the Christian faith and I think it’s thanks to O.
Have a great day everyone. It’s getting more and more challenging to post things daily, because I’m back getting my Master’s. So with papers, reading requirements and assignments, oh and a little thing called life with a small child… I don’t have that much free time anymore. So, I’m going to have to see a ton of more support and encouragement from you guys and your friends to feel the love to continue writing 😛 !!!