My Journey Through Postpartum and Life After I Kicked It's A$$!!!

Tag Archives: health

Grateful

Life is not guaranteed…

I have pretty profound dreams.  For the past few days, I’ve been having dreams about being sick.  I think cancer has been on my brain because of my cousin and more recently because my sister.  But lately, while driving I kept feeling like a car accident was going to happen.  How I would prepare for one … but you can’t.  But my little hamster would think of ways to keep the people in my car, namely O, safe.  I know I am weird.  Maybe self-fulfilling prophesy.  I don’t know.  But it always happens that way to me.

My husband’s partner got into a bad collision on the way to work.  And today, my husband was involved in a car accident.  They are both safe.  Which is all that matters… but both their cars will now be in the hospital.  Better the cars than the humans.  Anyday.

People… it takes only a few seconds to make the wrong move.  I can’t emphasize enough… just like drunk driving… if you mess around while you drive… eating, texting, calling, changing the radio station… STOP.  You are going to hurt someone else.  Please stop.  I’m guilty of it too.  But after today, it’s really eye opening to know how quickly lives can change because someone decided a text or a phone call was more important than safety.

I truly thank God he is ok.

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I don’t know what’s worst… death or the process of dying.

It looks like my cousin is losing her battle with cancer.  It’s hard for me to digest as it not only cuts too close to home but it is my first real experience with someone succumbing to the disease in front of my very eyes.  I think I’ve been in denial about her.  She’s always been vivacious and beautiful.  The cool older sister.  I’ve never met anyone who died from cancer.  My sister survived.  My dad survived.  She was suppose to survive.

Throughout her battle, I’ve seen her here and there.  She always looked like herself and acted like herself even through the pain, heartache, and anger. When I saw her yesterday, I didn’t recognize her.  No, she was unrecognizable.  Taken by the cancer.  Eaten by the anorexia.  I only realized it was her when the sweetness of her voice sounded familiar to me. I was taken aback to say the least. But no tears.  No feelings.  And I didn’t understand it as I am an emotional person these days.

I hold a wall up.  I answer questions for my uncle the best I can.  I don’t let myself get emotionally connected.  I think it’s because I’m scared.  Not of death.  But that she’s a mom to a young 5 year old girl.  I think I block out sympathizing with her for the profound sadness she must feel leaving that beautiful little girl.  Wondering if her daughter will ever know what her mom went through to have that little, precious being come into her life and into this world.  How brave her mom has been for that little girl.  How hard her mom fought in this battle to stay alive for that little girl.  Will that little girl know?  I know these were and are still questions I ask daily in regards to my relationship with my daughter.  The difference is I’m here to tell her.  That’s the part that gets me and that’s the part I try to block out.

I see my uncle and his want for his little girl to be physically available.  To remain on this earth.  It was truly a difficult conversation for me to have with him.  To tell him to let her be comfortable.  To let her decide what she wants. And yet, to start preparing to let her go peacefully.

Death.  It’s finite.  The dying part is not.  I think it’s such a drawn out process of unanswered questions and of the unknown.  The part of death I think that is scary… is leaving behind the people you love.  Not being able to be here to reassure them that you are ok and at peace.  And wondering if they are holding up.  My girlfriend said if she died leaving behind her children she would die with her eyes open because she wouldn’t be at peace leaving behind her precious loves.  I fear that for my cousin as well.  That although her body may be at peace when she leaves this earth…her mind, heart, and soul may not be.  And that’s the saddest thing to me, because when she or anyone goes… I want them to go fully at peace and without fear.



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Future leaders of the world! - Celeste

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