My Journey Through Postpartum and Life After I Kicked It's A$$!!!

Tag Archives: gratitude

Wow, its 2015!!! I haven’t blogged in some time.  Today, I felt the urge to do so.  I wanted to write just to write.  Just to let my feelings have a place to sit and relax.

Twenty-fourteen proved to be one of the biggest learning experiences of my life and a year where my mind transformed in many ways.  I have to say that God truly worked his magic on my mind and heart.

My dad passed away in November of 2014. I miss him. Some moments steal my breath. The reality of his death still has not settled in. When those moments of realization hit, I let them in slowly. It’s crushing, to say the least. There are moments I allow myself to breakdown and shout out loud, “please, come back!!!!! COME BACK. Where are you???” and I just wail. I JUST WAIL. Ugh, I miss him. I wish i could have one more conversation with him. I’m still so grateful though. I’m so thankful that I got to be there when he passed and that he wasn’t taken away from me abruptly. We, as a family, were granted time and not all people are fortunate enough to be allowed to see their loved ones off like that.  So thank you God.

The Things I’ve Learned:

1. I learned I did not fear death, I feared the grief I’d have to carry and walk through. I also learned how quickly people forget you still grieve and hurt after the funeral is over, because life moves in such high speeds. I learned too that that’s when you need them the most.  Yet, I learned you can become so much stronger than the grief, if you want to and move on through the pain.

2. I learned how to fight fairly. I learned communication is possible with objectivity and opposing views. I learned that hurt people do not need to hurt to be able to feel better.

3. I learned WOMEN are truly capable of having healthy, supportive, and non-competitive relationships. My girls… oh, these women, they are truly my sanity savers.

4. I learned I deserve to be happy and that it’s actually okay to embrace this happiness without fear it will be taken away.

5. I learned that I am not a victim. That my life experiences make me grateful, empathetic, and compassionate to others.

6. I learned I still have a long way to go and may never reach the person I want to become, but that is okay, because I’m conscious.  I’m aware.  I don’t deny I’m imperfect but I’m working on it and that’s enough.

7. I learned I have been blessed in so many ways and that this life is sooooooooooo good.

8. I learned the heart has an infinite amount of room for love even through heartache.  I learned the heart is the most resilient muscle in the body and so it should be taken care of with great care.

9. I learned therapy is worth every penny and the government really needs to incorporate mental health care into insurance policies.

10. I learned my triggers should not be projected onto my daughter or son, because my pain is my own and not theirs.

11. I learned parents are “bullies.” In our attempt to raise socially conscious children, I understand some of us can “fly off the handle” in moments of fatigue and frustration on our children. One day while I was driving, I had the self-realization that I was no better than a bully and its made me more cognizant of the fact that these little “clean slate beings” have not experienced this life as we have, so the world is new, fascinating, and perhaps even frightening to them and it’s my job to guide and teach them how to navigate through this world and cope without shouting and becoming broken in the process.  It isn’t always as easy to do as it is to write, but that’s my wish. Above all, that I’m not the one that breaks the spirit of my daughter or my son.


I didn’t know. I didn’t know a great deal of things prior to having children. Mainly, I didn’t know myself, my boundaries, or even how I wanted to raise my children. I wasn’t a planner. I didn’t know I would turn out to be what society is now calling “attachment parenter.” I was just doing what felt natural and almost customary in Asian households. You know, just things as I had seen and experienced growing up.

Nowadays, as I sit through play dates, therapy, and parenting classes, I start learning about what I like and can not tolerate by as an individual, a wife, and a mom. I learn more about who I am and who I refuse to become because the world puts so many pressures on moms these days.

I also realize that I’m no longer a product of my environment because I am now in control of building a healthy, happy, grateful, and loving environment for myself and my family.

People ask me all the time, “how come you aren’t resentful that you’re a single mom half the week and how do you fill the void?” Before I would become defensive and then become bitter towards my husband but now I just explain (if I feel the need) that this is “my” family’s dynamics and we make it work. I realized the more accepting I became of the “now,” I allowed myself to be happier, more content, and more grateful for the life I’ve been given. I choose to not wallow in self-pity or view my life as tormented as I had done in the past because it isn’t. I don’t know if that makes much sense but that’s the essence.

It’s like this. I can be content with the time apart from my husband because my husband supports me in anything I want to do and accomplish. He gives me the tools I need to 1) be a better person to myself which in turn allows me to be a better person to my kids and family and 2) he helped me create the life I’ve always wanted and I realized I only have this one life … And I really really really just want to enjoy it NOW.


"Wedding Dress"

O walking in the sand at the park in her “wedding dress”

I love this picture of O from behind.  We went on an impromptu walk to Rite Aid and then on the way back we went to the park.  What was supposed to be a quick trip turned into a 4.5 hour excursion.  And it was pure bliss.  Even with the scorching hot sun.  I loved it.

Prior to our departure, I asked O what she would like to wear for our walk.  I was thinking shorts and a T-shirt.  But nope.  Girlfriend said (and yes, she’s been copying me using the word “hey girlfriend… dude girlfriend.”  Really, I need to stop talking to her so much… ahahahahahahaha)… “Momma, I need to wear my beautiful, wedding dress for our walk.”

I said, “Boo, we are just going on a quick walk.”

O:  But momma, I NEEEEEEEED to wear my wedding dress.

How do you say no?  You don’t.  Actually, I try not to get too involved in her outfit coordination because it’s a freedom she should own.  So even with the crazy hair pins and what not… I try to let it go.

Exhibit #1:  See this…done exactly as the boss ordered!!!

Freedom of Expression

I allow her to have “Freedom of Expression.”

Her dad, on the other hand, says… “don’t you think she’ll stick out too much?  Draw too much attention and take away from the class?”  Ahahahahahahaha.  I’m sure she does to a certain degree, but I don’t care.  It’s her freedom to express herself.

Wedding day in the Park

I love watching her play and interact with others… she’s a born loner and I love that she can role play by herself.

Anyways, I loved this day.  It reminded me of what childhood is all about.  To explore.  To learn.  To live without fear of scrutiny and judgment.  I loved that she didn’t care if her pretty dress got dirty.  I loved that she let go of her OCD tendencies to not like getting dirty and took her shoes off and ran into the sand.  I loved that she looked exhilarated while throwing sand into the air.  It was a moment of pure joy. And a reminder of innocence and love.  I hope and pray I never forget this feeling.

This kid… she gives me so many gifts daily.  Yes, headaches too.  But I am so immensely thankful she walked into my life.

Side note:  ****And a quick shout out to my sister for stepping up as a Cancer Survivor Mentor!!! Yay.  My sis feels embarrassed when I say she’s a survivor.  But she is.  That’s fact.  She down plays her cancer bout because she thinks she had the easy one.  No one has an easy battle with cancer.  Cancer (that bitch… ) is cancer.  I’m so proud of her for becoming a mentor for a young 36 year old woman who is going through her own battle against this A-hole disease.  It has spread from her thyroid to her lungs and hips due to improper diagnosis… please keep her in your prayers



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