I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”
Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be. You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk. Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.
I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.
If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy. Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.
So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.
I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out. I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.
It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.
Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.
There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.
That picture is some of the random things I do with O that maybe aren’t the smartest things… but still memorable nonetheless. Don’t get your panties all bunched up. We were in our gated community in a cul-de-sac and driving like 5 mph. But if were a picture of my husband and her doing this… I would’ve said, “OMG, you are setting such a bad example to her.” Ahahahahahahaha. Hypocrite. I know.
But YOLO right? Life is too short to take things so seriously and have everything equate to a catastrophic event. I’m in my late 30s now and all I want to do is live. Live each day feeling like I did something fulfilling. Inching towards putting more and more check marks on my extensive bucket list of things to still do, see, accomplish, and experience.
I think at this age, Erik Erickson says we are in the Generativity vs. Stagnation part of our lives. “Generativity vs. stagnation is the second stage of adulthood and happens between the ages of 25-64. During this time people are normally settled in their life and know what is important to them. A person is either making progress in their career or treading lightly in their career and unsure if this is what they want to do for the rest of their working lives. Also during this time, a person is enjoying raising their children and participating in activities, that gives them a sense of purpose. If a person is not comfortable with the way their life is progressing, they’re usually regretful about the decisions and feel a sense of uselessness.”
I am soooooooo in this stage. My nursing and those into psychology and sociology should be very familiar with this. But yes, I’m at a stage where I am definitely less fearful of doing new things, especially on my own, in order to fulfill voids in me that weren’t being attended to. It’s been great. I’m starting to let go of all the things I was holding on to just in case… just in case I get pregnant, just in case I move, just in case …just in case. But you can’t live like that.
I have a friend who started taking acting classes recently and I truly think it is so awesome. He is fulfilling his dreams. That was once a dream of mine as well… yep, I wanted to become a famous actress or some sort of television personality. I have always hidden that want in fear of ridicule and judgment but now… I don’t care. Hahahaha.
Setting up healthy boundaries has been instrumental for me. I never wanted to say no to people because I feared they would feel hurt and rejected by me. Because I know those feelings are so isolating, profound, and intoxicatingly painful. But now, I can say no and tell myself “it’s ok.” It’s strange because a huge change has occurred and shifted my thinking. And this gives me a sense of freedom which in turn gives me a feeling of peace. That I’m not in a battle with the world anymore. And that the world is no longer out to get me.
I see the changes in my relationship with O even. I’m less impatient, far less hostile, and definitely way way way more loving. It has been a prayer answered from the Almighty. And what I feel more thankful than anything for this year, is that I feel like my parents are starting to open themselves up more to the Christian faith and I think it’s thanks to O.
Have a great day everyone. It’s getting more and more challenging to post things daily, because I’m back getting my Master’s. So with papers, reading requirements and assignments, oh and a little thing called life with a small child… I don’t have that much free time anymore. So, I’m going to have to see a ton of more support and encouragement from you guys and your friends to feel the love to continue writing 😛 !!!
That’s my textbook… what more is there to say. I’m burntout already and I just started my fourth week of classes. Online classes are lonely. I feel like I’m going through this torment all by myself. 😦 I did have a brief group meeting on Wednesday morning, but isn’t weird how everyone else seems like they have a grasp on things and just get it? I feel so lost. I am just looking forward to the finish line… but daily I tell myself… “I just want to quit.” But I won’t. Ugh… 18 more months. I could’ve been pregnant twice over during that same time. Haha.
This picture is what I’d really rather be doing. Being merry. Hanging with the homies. And having a nice cocktail. I want to frolick in the cold… well, in the heat really these days… but still.
To top things off, my freaking fridge is in the ICU on major life support. Well, no, I pulled the plug on her and she is waiting to be buried. So, I have no cold foods, no milk for my kid, and lots of wasted food. But on a lighter note… no cooking for a few days. And thankfully, her ass died during CYBER MONDAY.
I finally was able to donate some clothes, baby stuff, and books to Baby2Baby.org. It felt great. I have a boat load of baby equipment in storage as well that need to be donated. I can’t believe I’m actually giving the baby stuff away, because I’ve held on for so long with the thought of having another kid. But I’m sure that ship has sailed. And in an event a miracle blesses my womb… I will just have to suck it up and buy some more stuff again.
Look at this picture!!! What a sight!!! Ahahahahaha. I know, I’m such a loser. But I can’t help it. Who can deny a cute Snowman, right? My husb sent this to me. He said it reminded him of me. Sweet, unusual gesture from him… hehe. It could possibly be reminding him how crazy I am. 🙂
I love it. It’s official. The holidays are upon us. Yahoo. I know some people do not look forward to the holidays… bad memories maybe? I don’t know. But change that. Make it yours. Don’t let the past weigh you down. Build fun memories for yourself. That’s what I am trying to do for myself. Who knows… maybe because I drown family and myself in it… O will not enjoy it later on… but that’s something for her to decide. But while I’m still in charge… I want my memories with her to be festive, fun, and bright.
Last night, we went “Trick-or-Treating.” (Yep, I write these way in advance!!!). It was fun. Hard to coordinate with 6.5 kids and 10 adults, but it was fun. Hancock Park area goes all out. I wish the streets were blocked off for better safety, but nonetheless, it was fun. No hills makes it even better. Unfortunately, we couldn’t get a nice group photo of everyone, but trust and believe… all the kids looked amazeballs.
My gf daughter had thee best costume on. It was Snow White… and she was dressed perfectly to the tee. Snow White wig and everything. Perfection. I loved it. My other gf, Jenn, made her kids Batman and Robbin costumes. They looked store bought. I swear, some of these moms are crazy crafty. Me… I will let the manufacturers do the work. Haha.
My daughter made a last minute decision to change her costume from Princess Jasmine to being a Pink Power Ranger Samurai (but I stood my ground and said no… because I knew there was no way to find a costume in a day!!! Good job, mom!! Patting myself on the back) to being Strawberry Shortcake. This was the initial costume fitting. Hilarious. She was good about wearing the wig for about a minute. Then started complaining about it being itchy. Thankfully, she wore it during her school parade.
These were the costumes from the morning:
The girls had a costume parade (a walk around the block), then fun crafts and games afterwards. It was fun. Nice and cold too. I helped at the “Decorate a Pumpkin Scone” table. I ate a few… I will admit it. Charmed Scones, you are too yummy. Love Momma Val. She makes the best scones ever.
O’s counterpart C… couldn’t stand to wear the same costume twice (ahahahahaha… jk)… so she changed from a Doctor and became the most perfect little Snow White ever. I wanted O to wear her Princess Jasmine costume so the girls could have a theme… but my stubborn little O said “no.”
That’s C. Isn’t she a doll? I swear, her costume just made my night. The best part… I asked her mom, “dude, how’d you get her to keep on the wig? O refused.”
C’s Momma: “I told her I’d give her $20 bucks!!!” Ruahahahahahahaha. Later while eating on Larchmont… her dad said, “I’ll buy you a puppy if you sit down.” Ahahahahaha, they kill me. The things a parent has to do.
How was your Halloween? Fill me in. Post pictures. I don’t have FB anymore, so you can post it onto my O’s Momma FB page or leave a comment here.