Wow, its 2015!!! I haven’t blogged in some time. Today, I felt the urge to do so. I wanted to write just to write. Just to let my feelings have a place to sit and relax.
Twenty-fourteen proved to be one of the biggest learning experiences of my life and a year where my mind transformed in many ways. I have to say that God truly worked his magic on my mind and heart.
My dad passed away in November of 2014. I miss him. Some moments steal my breath. The reality of his death still has not settled in. When those moments of realization hit, I let them in slowly. It’s crushing, to say the least. There are moments I allow myself to breakdown and shout out loud, “please, come back!!!!! COME BACK. Where are you???” and I just wail. I JUST WAIL. Ugh, I miss him. I wish i could have one more conversation with him. I’m still so grateful though. I’m so thankful that I got to be there when he passed and that he wasn’t taken away from me abruptly. We, as a family, were granted time and not all people are fortunate enough to be allowed to see their loved ones off like that. So thank you God.
The Things I’ve Learned:
1. I learned I did not fear death, I feared the grief I’d have to carry and walk through. I also learned how quickly people forget you still grieve and hurt after the funeral is over, because life moves in such high speeds. I learned too that that’s when you need them the most. Yet, I learned you can become so much stronger than the grief, if you want to and move on through the pain.
2. I learned how to fight fairly. I learned communication is possible with objectivity and opposing views. I learned that hurt people do not need to hurt to be able to feel better.
3. I learned WOMEN are truly capable of having healthy, supportive, and non-competitive relationships. My girls… oh, these women, they are truly my sanity savers.
4. I learned I deserve to be happy and that it’s actually okay to embrace this happiness without fear it will be taken away.
5. I learned that I am not a victim. That my life experiences make me grateful, empathetic, and compassionate to others.
6. I learned I still have a long way to go and may never reach the person I want to become, but that is okay, because I’m conscious. I’m aware. I don’t deny I’m imperfect but I’m working on it and that’s enough.
7. I learned I have been blessed in so many ways and that this life is sooooooooooo good.
8. I learned the heart has an infinite amount of room for love even through heartache. I learned the heart is the most resilient muscle in the body and so it should be taken care of with great care.
9. I learned therapy is worth every penny and the government really needs to incorporate mental health care into insurance policies.
10. I learned my triggers should not be projected onto my daughter or son, because my pain is my own and not theirs.
11. I learned parents are “bullies.” In our attempt to raise socially conscious children, I understand some of us can “fly off the handle” in moments of fatigue and frustration on our children. One day while I was driving, I had the self-realization that I was no better than a bully and its made me more cognizant of the fact that these little “clean slate beings” have not experienced this life as we have, so the world is new, fascinating, and perhaps even frightening to them and it’s my job to guide and teach them how to navigate through this world and cope without shouting and becoming broken in the process. It isn’t always as easy to do as it is to write, but that’s my wish. Above all, that I’m not the one that breaks the spirit of my daughter or my son.
Posted by OllieWillieMommie in Life Issues Tags: bullies, bully, bullying, compassion, dad, daughter, death, dying, father, friends, friendship, friendships, girlfriends, gratitude, heartache, learning, lessons, life, losing, loss, mommy, motherhood, parenting, son, support, therapy, triggers, wife, women
It has been a tumultuous few weeks… maybe even months. But watching my daughter have fun is the highlight in the reel of film that has been glum and sad to say the least. This was taken during O’s first field trip for this year. I hated the hay… and we all suffered afterwards… but being able to spend time with her an her friends was exactly what I needed. My sister was in pure hell. It was comedy watching the both of us hold tissues up to our runny noses. She even hid in the car for a bit.
This was O’s and my attempt at a pumpkin. My girlfriend, Jo, got one for her daughter while we were at the pumpkin patch and posted hers on Instagram and I thought… “omg, perfect for the mom/dad/adult who aren’t very crafty.” Jo’s turned out way better. Her daughter even had a mini version. Super cute idea.
My gf texted this picture to me because she knows my obsession with Hello Kitty. It’s the little things and gestures from your friends that remind you people think about you and care about you. Simple pleasures.
O and I made this one morning at my sister’s house. We made it as a surprise for my family. It’s just stickers, but looks good right? And I didn’t have to kill a pine tree or whatever wreaths are made of. I love spending time at my mom’s. I don’t want to come back to my reality sometimes after being there for prolonged periods. But I guess running away from your pain and emotions will at some point always come looking for you to fix. I feel good these days though. I feel like I am owning my womanhood, learning that I actually have a thing called “boundaries,” and being able to stand up for what I want and need in my life.
I love the holidays. And I want my daughter to look forward to building great memories for herself as well. My cousin will be put to rest today (Friday)… I still haven’t worked out why I have no tears. I think subconsciously her death is a reminder for me that my sister is a survivor. This is my first real experience with someone succumbing to the disease and it is a bit terrifying so I keep the reality of it at a distance. Like I’ve said before, my sister survived. My dad survived. She was supposed to survive. So her death conjures a great deal of fear in me because I know it could’ve been my sister. It’s truly frightening. I just hope her family can heal and be in a better place than they are now, because I am positive she is in a better place, free from pain.
Her death has made me really want to enjoy my life. The way I want it. So, I thank her immensely for touching my life in the way you have and helping me become stronger for myself.