My Journey Through Postpartum and Life After I Kicked It's A$$!!!

Tag Archives: death

Wow, its 2015!!! I haven’t blogged in some time.  Today, I felt the urge to do so.  I wanted to write just to write.  Just to let my feelings have a place to sit and relax.

Twenty-fourteen proved to be one of the biggest learning experiences of my life and a year where my mind transformed in many ways.  I have to say that God truly worked his magic on my mind and heart.

My dad passed away in November of 2014. I miss him. Some moments steal my breath. The reality of his death still has not settled in. When those moments of realization hit, I let them in slowly. It’s crushing, to say the least. There are moments I allow myself to breakdown and shout out loud, “please, come back!!!!! COME BACK. Where are you???” and I just wail. I JUST WAIL. Ugh, I miss him. I wish i could have one more conversation with him. I’m still so grateful though. I’m so thankful that I got to be there when he passed and that he wasn’t taken away from me abruptly. We, as a family, were granted time and not all people are fortunate enough to be allowed to see their loved ones off like that.  So thank you God.

The Things I’ve Learned:

1. I learned I did not fear death, I feared the grief I’d have to carry and walk through. I also learned how quickly people forget you still grieve and hurt after the funeral is over, because life moves in such high speeds. I learned too that that’s when you need them the most.  Yet, I learned you can become so much stronger than the grief, if you want to and move on through the pain.

2. I learned how to fight fairly. I learned communication is possible with objectivity and opposing views. I learned that hurt people do not need to hurt to be able to feel better.

3. I learned WOMEN are truly capable of having healthy, supportive, and non-competitive relationships. My girls… oh, these women, they are truly my sanity savers.

4. I learned I deserve to be happy and that it’s actually okay to embrace this happiness without fear it will be taken away.

5. I learned that I am not a victim. That my life experiences make me grateful, empathetic, and compassionate to others.

6. I learned I still have a long way to go and may never reach the person I want to become, but that is okay, because I’m conscious.  I’m aware.  I don’t deny I’m imperfect but I’m working on it and that’s enough.

7. I learned I have been blessed in so many ways and that this life is sooooooooooo good.

8. I learned the heart has an infinite amount of room for love even through heartache.  I learned the heart is the most resilient muscle in the body and so it should be taken care of with great care.

9. I learned therapy is worth every penny and the government really needs to incorporate mental health care into insurance policies.

10. I learned my triggers should not be projected onto my daughter or son, because my pain is my own and not theirs.

11. I learned parents are “bullies.” In our attempt to raise socially conscious children, I understand some of us can “fly off the handle” in moments of fatigue and frustration on our children. One day while I was driving, I had the self-realization that I was no better than a bully and its made me more cognizant of the fact that these little “clean slate beings” have not experienced this life as we have, so the world is new, fascinating, and perhaps even frightening to them and it’s my job to guide and teach them how to navigate through this world and cope without shouting and becoming broken in the process.  It isn’t always as easy to do as it is to write, but that’s my wish. Above all, that I’m not the one that breaks the spirit of my daughter or my son.


So Over It...

I’m burnout… especially because I’d rather be out looking a Christmas decorations with my kid and husb.

That’s my textbook… what more is there to say.  I’m burntout already and I just started my fourth week of classes.  Online classes are lonely.  I feel like I’m going through this torment all by myself. 😦  I did have a brief group meeting on Wednesday morning, but isn’t weird how everyone else seems like they have a grasp on things and just get it?  I feel so lost.  I am just looking forward to the finish line… but daily I tell myself… “I just want to quit.”  But I won’t.  Ugh… 18 more months.  I could’ve been pregnant twice over during that same time.  Haha.

Relishing the Moments

I’d rather be living inside this Gingerbread house at the present moment…

This picture is what I’d really rather be doing.  Being merry.  Hanging with the homies.  And having a nice cocktail.  I want to frolick in the cold… well, in the heat really these days… but still.

To top things off, my freaking fridge is in the ICU on major life support.  Well, no, I pulled the plug on her and she is waiting to be buried.  So, I have no cold foods, no milk for my kid, and lots of wasted food.  But on a lighter note… no cooking for a few days.  And thankfully, her ass died during CYBER MONDAY.

I finally was able to donate some clothes, baby stuff, and books to Baby2Baby.org.  It felt great.  I have a boat load of baby equipment in storage as well that need to be donated.  I can’t believe I’m actually giving the baby stuff away, because I’ve held on for so long with the thought of having another kid.  But I’m sure that ship has sailed.  And in an event a miracle blesses my womb… I will just have to suck it up and buy some more stuff again.


Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch Field Trip

It has been a tumultuous few weeks… maybe even months.  But watching my daughter have fun is the highlight in the reel of film that has been glum and sad to say the least.  This was taken during O’s first field trip for this year.  I hated the hay… and we all suffered afterwards… but being able to spend time with her an her friends was exactly what I needed.  My sister was in pure hell.  It was comedy watching the both of us hold tissues up to our runny noses.  She even hid in the car for a bit.

Perfect for the NON-CRAFTY people!!!

This was O’s and my attempt at a pumpkin.  My girlfriend, Jo, got one for her daughter while we were at the pumpkin patch and posted hers on Instagram and I thought… “omg, perfect for the mom/dad/adult who aren’t very crafty.”  Jo’s turned out way better.  Her daughter even had a mini version.  Super cute idea.

Such a great Hello Kitty Pumpkin… courtesy of my gf Crissy.

My gf texted this picture to me because she knows my obsession with Hello Kitty.  It’s the little things and gestures from your friends that remind you people think about you and care about you.  Simple pleasures.

Holiday Arts & Craft with O for the mommy/adult that does not know how to be crafty!!! Michael’s, you rock. This is on my sister’s door.

O and I made this one morning at my sister’s house.  We made it as a surprise for my family.  It’s just stickers, but looks good right?  And I didn’t have to kill a pine tree or whatever wreaths are made of.  I love spending time at my mom’s.  I don’t want to come back to my reality sometimes after being there for prolonged periods.  But I guess running away from your pain and emotions will at some point always come looking for you to fix.  I feel good these days though.  I feel like I am owning my womanhood, learning that I actually have a thing called “boundaries,” and being able to stand up for what I want and need in my life.

It’s beginning to Look a lot like Christmas… but the weather certainly doesn’t feel like it.

I love the holidays.  And I want my daughter to look forward to building great memories for herself as well.  My cousin will be put to rest today (Friday)… I still haven’t worked out why I have no tears.  I think subconsciously her death is a reminder for me that my sister is a survivor.  This is my first real experience with someone succumbing to the disease and it is a bit terrifying so I keep the reality of it at a distance.  Like I’ve said before, my sister survived.  My dad survived.  She was supposed to survive.  So her death conjures a great deal of fear in me because I know it could’ve been my sister.  It’s truly frightening.  I just hope her family can heal and be in a better place than they are now, because I am positive she is in a better place, free from pain.

Her death has made me really want to enjoy my life.  The way I want it.  So, I thank her immensely for touching my life in the way you have and helping me become stronger for myself.


I don’t know what’s worst… death or the process of dying.

It looks like my cousin is losing her battle with cancer.  It’s hard for me to digest as it not only cuts too close to home but it is my first real experience with someone succumbing to the disease in front of my very eyes.  I think I’ve been in denial about her.  She’s always been vivacious and beautiful.  The cool older sister.  I’ve never met anyone who died from cancer.  My sister survived.  My dad survived.  She was suppose to survive.

Throughout her battle, I’ve seen her here and there.  She always looked like herself and acted like herself even through the pain, heartache, and anger. When I saw her yesterday, I didn’t recognize her.  No, she was unrecognizable.  Taken by the cancer.  Eaten by the anorexia.  I only realized it was her when the sweetness of her voice sounded familiar to me. I was taken aback to say the least. But no tears.  No feelings.  And I didn’t understand it as I am an emotional person these days.

I hold a wall up.  I answer questions for my uncle the best I can.  I don’t let myself get emotionally connected.  I think it’s because I’m scared.  Not of death.  But that she’s a mom to a young 5 year old girl.  I think I block out sympathizing with her for the profound sadness she must feel leaving that beautiful little girl.  Wondering if her daughter will ever know what her mom went through to have that little, precious being come into her life and into this world.  How brave her mom has been for that little girl.  How hard her mom fought in this battle to stay alive for that little girl.  Will that little girl know?  I know these were and are still questions I ask daily in regards to my relationship with my daughter.  The difference is I’m here to tell her.  That’s the part that gets me and that’s the part I try to block out.

I see my uncle and his want for his little girl to be physically available.  To remain on this earth.  It was truly a difficult conversation for me to have with him.  To tell him to let her be comfortable.  To let her decide what she wants. And yet, to start preparing to let her go peacefully.

Death.  It’s finite.  The dying part is not.  I think it’s such a drawn out process of unanswered questions and of the unknown.  The part of death I think that is scary… is leaving behind the people you love.  Not being able to be here to reassure them that you are ok and at peace.  And wondering if they are holding up.  My girlfriend said if she died leaving behind her children she would die with her eyes open because she wouldn’t be at peace leaving behind her precious loves.  I fear that for my cousin as well.  That although her body may be at peace when she leaves this earth…her mind, heart, and soul may not be.  And that’s the saddest thing to me, because when she or anyone goes… I want them to go fully at peace and without fear.



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