My Journey Through Postpartum and Life After I Kicked It's A$$!!!

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My Mentality

Love this…

***(I got a new computer so I decided to write again… I don’t have many uploaded pictures yet, so this image will have to do! Bear with me while I navigate through the world of technology and learn how to use this computer the way it should be used!)!!!

I realized I was an addict. I was addicted to people. I was one of those people who didn’t know how to lay off the toxic stuff until it became unbearable and I became intolerant of myself and the things I couldn’t let go of. Yes, you can have a thing called, “people-itis.”

Here’s the thing I discovered in the past year and a half (two years, really), I learned that you need to really, really, really, let go of toxic people, situations, and things in your life in order to feel truly happy and confident with the person you are and aim to be.  You can’t muffle through it or fake the funk.  Or else, you will end up slamming the door in your own face if you do. The hardest part about letting go is being truthful with yourself and your 100% organic thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to bear. Some moments become hard to even remember to take a breath through because it feels so scary and isolating. But let me tell you, in the end, it is so worth it.

I had to let go of people I felt like were the world to me. But I realized I made them the world… when they never were. I knew I was giving them way more than they would ever think to return to me. It was not about tit-for-tat for me. It was about committing their time and energy to me as I would do for them. For whatever reason, needing validation from people who you really shouldn’t crave it from, comes with a huge price. You wanna know what that price is? It is your self-worth, your confidence, and your power. You give it all away when you seek validation from people who you feel is for whatever reason… better than you or more important than you.

If you have “like-me-itis” like I used to … you will never be happy.  Whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, and/or even with your own offspring… you will never be happy because you will constantly feel worn the f out from jumping over insurmountable hurdles that you have created for yourself. It’s vicious and unwarranted self-abuse.

So take a moment and do an inventory check, are you keeping something or someone around because “one day” something might change and you will decide to wear that pretty dress that’s been hanging in your closet with the price tag still attached? More than likely, you won’t. So give it out, throw it away, donate it… because it just may be a better fit on someone else. It’s hard but that is the truth and the road to freedom I’ve learned.

I realized I was happy when I could let go of these people… like really and truly let go… because I was not relinquishing my power over to them. I said “goodbye” and I wasn’t staring at my phone willing them to call and reach out.  I wasn’t hurt by the lack of communication or contact. I didn’t feel less than because they were no longer in my life. I could wish them well and pray for their safety and happiness and move about with my life… what’s the difference, you ask? My ego no longer gave a shit. That’s when you know.

It’s also because I have accepted that I no longer needed them in my life because they were never meant to stay long. They were here to show me what I didn’t want in my life, so that I could have a greater appreciation and love for those people and things who wanted to be a part of it. I used to push away those people who were so willing to walk along side of me, because I was too busy chasing after shooting stars that left me feeling lost and lonely.

Now, I just look around me and feel so blessed because I am so loved and needed by the people who “dig me” for just the way I am at this moment and the person I aim to be. Letting go of the negativity and toxicities in my life has made me a better mother, friend, and person… I’m still working on the better “daughter”and “sister” part (gotta keep shizz real :)), but I’m happy. I’m still a work in progress and will always be.

There are still monumental ups and downs… but I no longer feel like I allow myself to sit in an abyss of darkness and isolation. Change your thoughts; change your world-Ghandi.

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Wow, its 2015!!! I haven’t blogged in some time.  Today, I felt the urge to do so.  I wanted to write just to write.  Just to let my feelings have a place to sit and relax.

Twenty-fourteen proved to be one of the biggest learning experiences of my life and a year where my mind transformed in many ways.  I have to say that God truly worked his magic on my mind and heart.

My dad passed away in November of 2014. I miss him. Some moments steal my breath. The reality of his death still has not settled in. When those moments of realization hit, I let them in slowly. It’s crushing, to say the least. There are moments I allow myself to breakdown and shout out loud, “please, come back!!!!! COME BACK. Where are you???” and I just wail. I JUST WAIL. Ugh, I miss him. I wish i could have one more conversation with him. I’m still so grateful though. I’m so thankful that I got to be there when he passed and that he wasn’t taken away from me abruptly. We, as a family, were granted time and not all people are fortunate enough to be allowed to see their loved ones off like that.  So thank you God.

The Things I’ve Learned:

1. I learned I did not fear death, I feared the grief I’d have to carry and walk through. I also learned how quickly people forget you still grieve and hurt after the funeral is over, because life moves in such high speeds. I learned too that that’s when you need them the most.  Yet, I learned you can become so much stronger than the grief, if you want to and move on through the pain.

2. I learned how to fight fairly. I learned communication is possible with objectivity and opposing views. I learned that hurt people do not need to hurt to be able to feel better.

3. I learned WOMEN are truly capable of having healthy, supportive, and non-competitive relationships. My girls… oh, these women, they are truly my sanity savers.

4. I learned I deserve to be happy and that it’s actually okay to embrace this happiness without fear it will be taken away.

5. I learned that I am not a victim. That my life experiences make me grateful, empathetic, and compassionate to others.

6. I learned I still have a long way to go and may never reach the person I want to become, but that is okay, because I’m conscious.  I’m aware.  I don’t deny I’m imperfect but I’m working on it and that’s enough.

7. I learned I have been blessed in so many ways and that this life is sooooooooooo good.

8. I learned the heart has an infinite amount of room for love even through heartache.  I learned the heart is the most resilient muscle in the body and so it should be taken care of with great care.

9. I learned therapy is worth every penny and the government really needs to incorporate mental health care into insurance policies.

10. I learned my triggers should not be projected onto my daughter or son, because my pain is my own and not theirs.

11. I learned parents are “bullies.” In our attempt to raise socially conscious children, I understand some of us can “fly off the handle” in moments of fatigue and frustration on our children. One day while I was driving, I had the self-realization that I was no better than a bully and its made me more cognizant of the fact that these little “clean slate beings” have not experienced this life as we have, so the world is new, fascinating, and perhaps even frightening to them and it’s my job to guide and teach them how to navigate through this world and cope without shouting and becoming broken in the process.  It isn’t always as easy to do as it is to write, but that’s my wish. Above all, that I’m not the one that breaks the spirit of my daughter or my son.


"Wedding Dress"

O walking in the sand at the park in her “wedding dress”

I love this picture of O from behind.  We went on an impromptu walk to Rite Aid and then on the way back we went to the park.  What was supposed to be a quick trip turned into a 4.5 hour excursion.  And it was pure bliss.  Even with the scorching hot sun.  I loved it.

Prior to our departure, I asked O what she would like to wear for our walk.  I was thinking shorts and a T-shirt.  But nope.  Girlfriend said (and yes, she’s been copying me using the word “hey girlfriend… dude girlfriend.”  Really, I need to stop talking to her so much… ahahahahahahaha)… “Momma, I need to wear my beautiful, wedding dress for our walk.”

I said, “Boo, we are just going on a quick walk.”

O:  But momma, I NEEEEEEEED to wear my wedding dress.

How do you say no?  You don’t.  Actually, I try not to get too involved in her outfit coordination because it’s a freedom she should own.  So even with the crazy hair pins and what not… I try to let it go.

Exhibit #1:  See this…done exactly as the boss ordered!!!

Freedom of Expression

I allow her to have “Freedom of Expression.”

Her dad, on the other hand, says… “don’t you think she’ll stick out too much?  Draw too much attention and take away from the class?”  Ahahahahahahaha.  I’m sure she does to a certain degree, but I don’t care.  It’s her freedom to express herself.

Wedding day in the Park

I love watching her play and interact with others… she’s a born loner and I love that she can role play by herself.

Anyways, I loved this day.  It reminded me of what childhood is all about.  To explore.  To learn.  To live without fear of scrutiny and judgment.  I loved that she didn’t care if her pretty dress got dirty.  I loved that she let go of her OCD tendencies to not like getting dirty and took her shoes off and ran into the sand.  I loved that she looked exhilarated while throwing sand into the air.  It was a moment of pure joy. And a reminder of innocence and love.  I hope and pray I never forget this feeling.

This kid… she gives me so many gifts daily.  Yes, headaches too.  But I am so immensely thankful she walked into my life.

Side note:  ****And a quick shout out to my sister for stepping up as a Cancer Survivor Mentor!!! Yay.  My sis feels embarrassed when I say she’s a survivor.  But she is.  That’s fact.  She down plays her cancer bout because she thinks she had the easy one.  No one has an easy battle with cancer.  Cancer (that bitch… ) is cancer.  I’m so proud of her for becoming a mentor for a young 36 year old woman who is going through her own battle against this A-hole disease.  It has spread from her thyroid to her lungs and hips due to improper diagnosis… please keep her in your prayers



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Future leaders of the world! - Celeste

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