This is me. Postbaby 7 weeks. I haven’t blogged in quite some time, but I had this indelible urge to write again lately. I know in a short month, I will have to prepare to take on the end of my Master’s program, so I’m voraciously doing some leisure reading and beginning to chronicle my journey as a mom of two.
My daughter loves her brother. Yet, she has shown signs of normal regression. Wanting to try all of the babies things. Needing extra attention. Oh gosh, the baby talk… cute until it gets annoying. Hahhahaha. Yes, I keep it real.
At the beginning when I got home with the baby from the hospital, nothing about my daughter’s behavior annoyed me. But set in sleep deprivation, the constant “mommy, mommy, mommy!!! Can I tell you something?” Me: “can you tell me without saying, ‘can I tell you something?'” haha, the annoying sound of the pump machine at night, homework, life, taking care of a newborn… oh, did I mention SLEEP DEPRIVATION??? then my patience becomes nonexistent. But I am praying and hoping (although I heard from my friend that “hope is not a strategy) that I find that place of reassuring guidance, love, and patience that my daughter needs right now. I hope I have the fortitude to learn to balance my needs FIRST without feeling GUILT.
This is when I began experiencing empathy for the first child. I’m the second and the last in my family. I wish parenting came with instructions or at least pictures to show you which is the right way up or down. 🙂 I say this, because recently, my husband and I have been having warfare with our daughter during homework time. Mind you, my husband is a great instructor who is energetic and fun, but even he gets worn down when my daughter for the 100th time says “N is a U.” Yes, they look similar, but that’s no excuse to get it wrong more than 20x in my opinion. Yes, I can be a bit tough but I have been way too liberal in my child-rearing of her till this point (great she just came in here and found her bike we were supposed to give her on her birthday!!!). I always allowed for her to just putz around and do things at her own will. Well now, we are interviewing and testing for private schools, so now the tides are changing. Something in me got triggered. I realized I can’t be lazy to raise a successful child.
Right now, I’m trying to analyze what kind of learner my daughter is. In the process, I have screamed my head off because my expectations are so high. I keep telling myself in a Finding Nemo like trance, “she’s never seen this… she’s never seen this.” But I can’t use that forever. SHE HAS SEEN THE ALPHABETS for at least two years now!!! Hahaha.
But at the end of the day, I come to conclude that none of this has anything to do with my daughter. It has to do with me. My demons. I have to disconnect from my past and embrace the woman I am today. I’m no longer the kid that was average in school because no one encouraged anything in me other than to be pretty. More than anything, I wanted to be viewed as “smart” like my sister. Actually, I knew I was probably smarter than my sister (I think my parents knew it too… sorry hyung)… but I never tried, because things came easily for me to just pass. I suppose this is my biggest regret. I never lived up to my full potential or got to discover what I was good at or even excellent at. I was a quitter. I never looked to the end of the road to discover that hard work and effort pays hundreds folds more than quitting. That discovery only comes with age and wisdom.
I’m fortunate though. I’m not my immigrant parents who couldn’t spend the time with their kids even if they wanted to because they were working hard in a foreign land to provide for their children. I have the ability to provide the opportunities for my children that my parents did not possess. What my kids do with these opportunities are my responsibility until it becomes time for them to bear the burden of the cross on their shoulders and learn to use what weapons and lessons I’ve given them into their lives on their own accord.
I will write about what I learned about myself during homework time in my next blog. Thanks for reading. Happy New Year.
Happy New Year’s Everyone. Yes, my greeting is a bit behind. I apologize.
It’s been hard getting out of Winter Wonderland mode and returning to the reality and hussle and bussle of carpool, drop offs and pickups, and life. I’m slowly getting back into the swing of things.
I visited my grandparents with my sister, Husb, and O during the holidays. And it’s always a very emotional situation for me. You realize that people do not age gracefully and it is difficult to fathom a person who was once vibrant and full of life become so incapacitated by their age, disease, and situation.
What dawned on me was… I will never know the grandparents I once had in this lifetime anymore. I will no longer be able to enjoy the delicious foods my grandmother once made and that I so took for granted. What I would do for just one more taste. If I had known the last time she made me my favorite dish would have been my last, I would’ve have enjoyed it more, appreciated it more, and thanked her more. Oh, those what ifs.
That’s when you realize, life… there are no guarantees. It hit hard. And I realized that, I just needed to live. Allow others to have their own opinions. And move on.
I needed to most of all… see the truth in people and my relationships with them. For so long, I think I crucified my husband. But like Ne-Yo’s song, “Let Me Love You…” how could you know what love is, when you have never had it. I get it now. And all along, I think I knew just denied that I was deserving of this blessed and generous life God has afforded to me. Why? Fear… of course. Fear that it would be taken away from me because I didn’t think I was deserving of it. But I accept it now. God wants me to have this amazing life and fully embrace it.
My husband… he’s simple. And I now understand the way he is capable of showing me his love. He’s my unconditional. I put that man through hell and back and then some… and the poor sap, is still here with me. (cue the violin… hahahahah). But I get him now. And I get his love. And I accept it as it is… not as I want it to be.
These life lessons have been hard acquired. But the best part of it is that its been acquired.
I am telling you… self-awareness, a little bit of therapy… and a lot of reading… really are lifesavers to live a great life. I have such great family and an amazing set of friends. What more could a person ask for, right? Everything else is icing on the cake. Don’t get me wrong… I’ve dealt with difficult things, even in my moments of catharsis and revelations, but I have learned to let those feelings exist in that moment and then let it go. (Man, therapy and Mr. JM… thank you). Whereas before, I would have over-analyzed, over-scrutinized, internalized, and revolted.
My sis… she will be on a new adventure. I hope it changes her to accept life’s mysteries and start learning to embrace the goodness within her own life as well.