Happy New Year’s Everyone. Yes, my greeting is a bit behind. I apologize.
It’s been hard getting out of Winter Wonderland mode and returning to the reality and hussle and bussle of carpool, drop offs and pickups, and life. I’m slowly getting back into the swing of things.
I visited my grandparents with my sister, Husb, and O during the holidays. And it’s always a very emotional situation for me. You realize that people do not age gracefully and it is difficult to fathom a person who was once vibrant and full of life become so incapacitated by their age, disease, and situation.
What dawned on me was… I will never know the grandparents I once had in this lifetime anymore. I will no longer be able to enjoy the delicious foods my grandmother once made and that I so took for granted. What I would do for just one more taste. If I had known the last time she made me my favorite dish would have been my last, I would’ve have enjoyed it more, appreciated it more, and thanked her more. Oh, those what ifs.
That’s when you realize, life… there are no guarantees. It hit hard. And I realized that, I just needed to live. Allow others to have their own opinions. And move on.
I needed to most of all… see the truth in people and my relationships with them. For so long, I think I crucified my husband. But like Ne-Yo’s song, “Let Me Love You…” how could you know what love is, when you have never had it. I get it now. And all along, I think I knew just denied that I was deserving of this blessed and generous life God has afforded to me. Why? Fear… of course. Fear that it would be taken away from me because I didn’t think I was deserving of it. But I accept it now. God wants me to have this amazing life and fully embrace it.
My husband… he’s simple. And I now understand the way he is capable of showing me his love. He’s my unconditional. I put that man through hell and back and then some… and the poor sap, is still here with me. (cue the violin… hahahahah). But I get him now. And I get his love. And I accept it as it is… not as I want it to be.
These life lessons have been hard acquired. But the best part of it is that its been acquired.
I am telling you… self-awareness, a little bit of therapy… and a lot of reading… really are lifesavers to live a great life. I have such great family and an amazing set of friends. What more could a person ask for, right? Everything else is icing on the cake. Don’t get me wrong… I’ve dealt with difficult things, even in my moments of catharsis and revelations, but I have learned to let those feelings exist in that moment and then let it go. (Man, therapy and Mr. JM… thank you). Whereas before, I would have over-analyzed, over-scrutinized, internalized, and revolted.
My sis… she will be on a new adventure. I hope it changes her to accept life’s mysteries and start learning to embrace the goodness within her own life as well.