Recently, I started talking to someone regarding my inability to control my emotions sometimes. I was never an emotional person until I had O. Now, I’m super emotional. Typically, those emotions entail anger and/or fear. I think because those are the feelings I most related to as a child. Anger was definitely an emotion that was freely shown by my relatives and even my dad. I am learning that that trait was some sort of heirloom handed down to me from other people who didn’t know how to express their true feelings of fear. But the thing is… I don’t want it. And I refuse to pass it down to O.
I am a firm believer in letting O have her own emotions… UNTIL I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. Not so fair, right? But yes, that’s how it is. But now, I’m learning to give myself a “Mommy Timeout.” That walking away from her at that moment is not a sign of abandonment but for the betterment of the whole. I don’t need to destroy her integrity and self-worth because I can’t deal with “feelings.” Feelings = vulnerabilities. I don’t know how to process allowing myself to be a vulnerable human being. I’ve always been taught you need to be strong. You can’t be weak. So when I start feeling those emotions… I get angry because that feels more acceptable than admitting I need help. It allows me to avoid accepting and facing those vulnerabilities and fears. Especially when it comes to not being able to appease O. It makes me feel like a failure. And being a failure was never an acceptable option that was ever given to me. So imagine a kid never trying anything new because if I wasn’t Mozart from the start there was no reason starting it. That’s why I am definitely a jack of all traits but master of none.
But I’m learning… and in the process I am able to teach O to accept and embrace her own feelings. That she is entitled to those feelings. And most especially, she doesn’t have to feel weak for experiencing such emotions… because essentially that is what makes her human and whole. And that FAILURE is always an option as long as she can bounce back from it and try again or try something new.
I don’t want to end every day with regret. I don’t want to end the night staring at her thinking… I should’ve done this… I should’ve done that… because I know better. Because I’m the mom. Because mistakes aren’t supposed to made more than once, especially to another malleable and sensitive human being. And because I love her and I need to teach her how to love herself and know her worth.