So I have been working out periodically. More these days just to clear my head and feel like I’m doing something good for myself… but the poundage is not coming off. I don’t do much… but more than before for sure. It’s the eating. I love to eat. I live to eat.
Now that I don’t have the pressure of baby brain… I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. (yes, I still have my what if moments… but in time… I know they will dissipate). I am focusing on the positives. Like, I have no more excuses for not working out… the “I’m just going to get fat again anyways” doesn’t fit anymore. I don’t have to worry about not being able to finish school in case I have a baby. I don’t have to think about saving all of O’s old things anymore. I can purge of them without hoarding things JUST IN CASE I have another baby. I don’t need a big car anymore (well, I like big cars… but it’s no longer a necessity). And most importantly, we really don’t have to move if we choose not to AND I can now have my surgeries to completely remove my ovaries and never feel that monthly agonizing pain again. I suppose those are things I should continue to focus on. That’s what my mind tells me… I’m just waiting for my heart to follow along. It’s still hard, but I think I’m accepting it.
One day, I will get to a point of complete resolve. I know it. I pray for it. I think having blinders on for so many years of my life, really made me an unhappy and jaded person. I felt like I was being continuously crucified for not being a better human being… !!! But like my BFF, Suj, said… God doesn’t keep tallies. She’s been really helping me get over this. Just having someone to talk to helps. She gets how torturous it is to want a baby and always have that looming in my mind. Most of you say, well, be grateful you have one at least. And yes, I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo am. It’s just a feeling a woman gets. That her womb hasn’t given up. That there is still room for one more. That emptiness that nothing else can fill. I wanted O, as I have said before, to have a sibling to walk the playground with. For me, having my sister always made me feel like I had someone to walk the earth with even if no one else wanted to. It gave me a sense of security. A feeling of not being alone. In hard times and in good times, we still had each other to comfort one another. Does that make sense?