I just want to be happy…

I think I’ve been Debbie Downer lately.  I hate when people are negative around me… the energy suckers, the Negative Nancy’s, the Life Sucks.  Yeah, I’ve been all of those lately… especially to my sister because she hears me venting about things I have no control over.  I need to snap the hell out of it.

For the most part, I’m a really fun and carefree person.  But as I’m getting older I find myself turning into a worrier and a bit less patient with life.  I think as I become more and more in tune with my daughter’s need… I’m forgetting that I have needs that require tending to.  At that point, I start to digress as a person. When this starts to happen, I try to tell myself…”you are happy.  you are blessed.  you are ok.”  But sometimes, it takes a bit for my head and heart to connect the thoughts and feelings together.

I sometimes think… why do some people look so put together?  And actually have it put together?  What’s their secret?  Could I get some of that?

Anyways, I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.  I love weddings.  It’s beautiful watching two people commit their lives to one another.  But what I don’t like is going to weddings where my husband’s family friends are the majority.  Why?  Because there’s the constant nagging of “When’s #2 coming?  How come you guys aren’t popping out more babies?”  And that’s when I want to scream out, “MAYBE BECAUSE I’M INFERTILE!!! Or because my uterus can’t hold a baby anymore!!!!  Or I’m experiencing early menopause!!!!!  Now step the bleep off!!!!”  Ahahahahaha.  That’s of course just internal dialogue and my hamster spinning its wheel.  I think I’m just going to where a sticker that reads “HI.  My Name is… NOT PREGNANT.  CAN’T SEEM TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN.”  Koreans (well, most Asians) are infamous for stating sh!t that are the obvious… “oh man, you gained so much weight?  what happened?”  What do you mean what happened?  I ate too much.  Or to the singles “when are you going to get married?  No one is going to want you if you’re too old.” If I were single… I’d say because I’m gay and I haven’t come out of the closet yet, but thank you for helping me come out right now.  Ahahahahahaha.  I swear, no filter.

But really, I don’t know … when I’m completely honest with myself… I don’t know if I can handle another kid.  Especially because I’m alone so much.  More than half the week I’m a single mother of one… to be a single mother of two just doesn’t sound fun to me.

Bottomline… I just want to be happy in this one life that we are granted.  I want to experience the greatest love of all… a magical love.  I want to be a good mother.  A great friend.  A supportive sister and daughter.  That’s it.  (Oh and I want to be a billionaire like Bruno Mars sang about…)!!! 🙂

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