So, I think you know I read the book called “Real Marriage”
I tend to resort to reading and writing to deal with my own issues. This book, however, has been a slow read because I’m earnestly trying to digest it’s teachings. Most of the things mentioned have been spot on, in terms of addressing my own faults within my marriage. While I was reading this today, I humbly came upon these paragraphs to help me see what a contentious person I can be… and how much I still need to grow to become a well-rounded woman. I really hope this helps my friends who have sent me emails and told me they could relate. I hope that I can be a honest mirror of the person who we are at this moment and who we can be in the very near future.
A foolish woman is clamorous;
She is simple, and knows nothing. (9:13)
Better to dwell in the wildnerness,
Than with a contentious and angry woman. (21:19)
This is what Grace Driscoll says:
“Fighting disrespectfully and unrepentantly puts your husband in a lose-lose situation. This is doubly true if you do so in front of other people, ESPECIALLY YOUR CHILDREN. If he walks away, you win. If he stays and fight angrily, you win. This is a form of manipulation to get your way. You want control and you are going to get it by breaking him down whether it’s little by little or all at once.”
She goes on to say:
“In the end, ask yourself if you have more or less respect for him when you’ve ‘won’ the fight. If you cause him to want to ‘live in the wilderness or on the corner of the roof’ rather than with you, you haven’t won anything; rather, you have caused division in your marriage.”
Whether you are in a marriage, relationship, or partnership… it boils down to is carrying the burden of the cross unnecessarily on your back when you keep reliving the past. Whether it be because you were neglected, abandoned, or rejected in the past; not letting the past continue to resurface during vulnerable times is a key to learning how to agree to disagree. I am slowly learning the key to a successful relationship is to own your past and move on. No one has or should have that much power over you… not even your past… to keep haunting you, tormenting your sanity, and allowing it to be a detriment to your happiness right now.
If you keep reliving the past in your present, there is no true room for human and spiritual growth. It’s easier said than done. Yes, I know this too well. But today is your chance and mine to make today a better day than yesterday. I’m not the little neglected, bullied kid anymore. I’d like to bury that part of my memory forever.
On a side note:
I get slack from some people, even my husband and sister, for divulging our private life to the masses. One friend even said he would be mad if his wife said they were fighting in a blog. Here’s the deal though, I’m not bashing him. I’m not demeaning him. It’s real life. Fighting is normal. If you don’t fight in a marriage or have disagreements, you probably aren’t having thoughtful discussions with one another. If we (mostly, I) don’t continue dialogue in our household, we will cease to exist as a couple. You are two different human beings from two different households… how could you possibly agree on everything?
I have never sugarcoated my life, my demons, my parenting, or my marriage. And I won’t do it for the sake of being politically correct or saving face.
DH, you are a true romantic through and through. One day, a girl is going to be very lucky to have you as a husband. I appreciate your advice. Really.