When I used to fight with someone, namely O’s dad, my parents, & my sis, it would break me. I wouldn’t be able to function. The situation would consume me. And instead of addressing the situation, I would crawl into a hole and not come out until SOMEONE ELSE MADE IT BETTER. I would be an unproductive human being. I would cancel all my scheduled appointments and just stay in bed all day trying to wish the hurt and pain away.
I didn’t understand why would I let them affect my world so deeply. Then, when I started becoming aware of my own insecurities and emotions, I understood it was rooted in my fear of rejection and being abandoned. I feared Husb would think “man, she sucks. I can do better. She’s not good enough for me.” Because I thought and believed those things about myself. So instead of making it better, I would make it worse. I would try to hurt him because I was hurting. It was a volatile cycle. Be okay, fight, hurt, be okay, hurt. Not healthy.
Now though, as much as I love him, he’s not the center of my universe. I don’t feel the incessant need to impress him. I don’t need his approval nor do I seek it like I used to. A sense of freedom comes from knowing deeply and fully, I am with him by choice and not by necessity. Not for O. Not for the sake of saving face. Or for the sake of being married. All I need and needed was his love and his ability to let me be me.
Being able to accept and recognize that it’s not always easy for another to show you love in the exact way you need has been instrumental in my healing. I think the best part of growing up is realizing that I’ve become wayyyyyyyy stronger and independent than I had ever imagined. I can deal with what the world is dishing out to me.
Being O’s momma helps me see that I have higher expectations of myself not only for her, but mainly for myself. I need to be a strong ass woman for O to show her… that she can conquer the world, because she has me supporting her and loving her. That she’s always enough. That she has worth. That she deserves respect and love; not just from others but from her dad and me as well. And this can only be taught by showing by example. That, I, as a woman, will not allow myself to settle for anything less than the best.
I will never allow anyone to have that much power over me to destroy me anymore. I will not let anyone watch me suffer… because I’m just going to keep swimming. Having a healthy, non-sleep deprived brain has been the best miracle God has given me. I’ve been feeling like God keeps skipping past my door, but I guess, He hasn’t forgotten about me after all. 😉