Just because I’ve written about being happier… it doesn’t exclude me from life’s hurdles. I’m not exempt. That’s what God is showing me and dishing out to me lately. But the best part of my life now is that I don’t let my emotions lead me anymore. I don’t let people make or break me. Life goes on. I don’t stop being a momma to my daughter because I feel like my world could be crumbling apart. So, I just keep swimming.
This blog wouldn’t be 100% honest if I made like my life was a bouquet of roses and chocolates everyday.
We have a great life. I’ve been blessed in ways I thought was not meant for me. Blessings were meant for everyone else but me. At least that’s what I used to think. But now, I know that’s not true. I deserve the best, because I’m a good person. Broken. But still a very good and caring person. (You just don’t want to piss me off… haha).
People fight in marriages. You think you are ready to give up but ironically you still have more to give. You stay for whatever reason. Mainly love. Maybe kids. But everyone has their breaking points. A point of no return where if the other person crosses that you know there’s no going back but out the door. Most of us aren’t strong enough or fearless enough to walk out though, so you stay.
I’m not like that. I’m the first one to walk out the door. Quitter by nature. But that was all for the wrong reasons. Mainly pride. Because it’s harder to stay in a relationship and work and fight to keep it together than it is to walk away.
Now, I’m not as emotional. I’m stronger and better able to decipher where my anger or disappointment is stemming from. But I need a cool-off period. To settle myself. To move on. Because at the end of the day, I don’t want to be upset. I want to show my daughter what a stable household looks like. O’s dad, on the other hand, needs resolve immediately. He wants to talk things through right away. Mr. Fixer.
That’s where some of our major arguments arise. In the heat of the moment, we will start lashing out at each other with hurtful words and actions, because we haven’t really thought through what was at the root of our argument. It’s not healthy. We are definitely better than we were before, but it’s still a work in progress.
I’m still angry as I write this. But I find it refreshing that I am not letting him affect him the way he used to. It’s not that I don’t care about him or my marriage. I just don’t care to let him be the center of my universe. Being able to allow him to be an individual separate of myself, helps me not be a hot mess who isn’t able to get through the day because I’m engulfed by him or a negative situation. I’m able to carry on and still be productive. Still be a mom to O. And be able to function as a productive member of society. No one has that much power over me anymore. And the best feeling is knowing and firmly believing that I am okay on my own. That I’m broken and yet so complete. It’s empowering.