We all have dreams and aspirations. Some come to fruition. Most don’t. Very pessimistic… yes, I know… but it’s the truth. It’s not that we don’t have the drive or the strength to carry on. Really, it isn’t. Sometimes, no a lot of the times, you also need a thing called opportunity… and another thing called “luck” that comes knocking at your door.
I’ve never been one to see things through if the going got tough or in some way it interfered with my comfort. Hahaha. I can admit that now. But recently, trying to build something out of nothing has been very humbling, and at times, all I want to do is give up. I have definitely had some highs and some very lows all within the past couple of months. From offers to host a radio show… to no show … to possibly a show… to business progress… to no progress. Now plateau. I’m just waiting to see what’s next. It’s a crazy rollercoaster I’ve been on. And again, it has been eye-opening to say the least.
What I discovered though is that I hate (yes, I used the word hate)… people who say they are going to do something and then back out at the last minute especially when it affects others. I have given up on myself frequently in the past mainly due to the fear of rejection, but if I tell someone I am going to do something WITH them… I see it through. I don’t go for the next best thing… I stick it through with the person I promised, because without your word backing up to your actions… you are nothing.
My saying “DO WHAT YOU SAY… AND SAY WHAT YOU DO!!!!” would apply here. I have come to learn, very recently, the entertainment world is brutal. You are as valuable as yesterday’s newspaper. It’s such a sad industry. I’ve come to admire those who can even make it onto the small screen because it must’ve taken a great deal of energy, rejection, and humiliation to get there. So now, I think… “wow, you are a sucky actor/actress, but I admire you because you must some tenacity to have climbed over hurdles & mountains to get there.” That’s fortitude.
I’m trying to figure out what to do next. I’m bored. The business is taking its sweet a$$ time. So in the meantime, I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my free time. I can, definitely, go back into nursing and do home health… but I want to do something to let my creative juices flow. Sometimes, I think to myself… why am I even blogging? No one even reads this blog. Haha. Then I look and a good handful has visited my site. So I think, “well, if I give up… I’m giving up on the people who have followed me for the past three years.” So I carry on and write. Mostly because it’s important for me to show my daughter that quitting is not the answer. I really want to instill in her the virtue that “WINNERS NEVER QUIT AND QUITTERS NEVER WIN.”
Maybe, it’s time for a hiatus again. I think I’m outta things to write about. Nah, never. This is my diary. How can I be out of things to write about, right? I mean afterall, I’m just writing about my life anyways.
TANGENT: During lunch with a mommy friend, Crissy, today (Monday)… we discussed how misery loves company. It seemed like people were more interested in my pain than my new found happiness. We discussed how I felt I had to hide the fact that I actually felt happy now (well most of the time…haha), because it kicks me out of the group of people I had so closely belonged to during my dark days. It’s pretty crazy to think that people want you to write about being miserable to help them feel normal. Or stay unhappy to keep them from feeling abandoned. Maybe it’s not that outlandish, because I craved that sense of belonging too when I was in a state of chaos. It made me feel normal to know others were suffering in the same way or similar way with me. That I wasn’t alone. It made me feel like I belonged somewhere. Yes, I’m not as broken as I was before, but I can surely empathize and sympathize with those still suffering. So don’t abandon me, because I haven’t abandoned you.
But yep, I’m in a creative rut and trying to figure out how to make something outta nothing.