Until very recently, I only had three buttons I worked off of… FAST FORWARD, REWIND, and STOP!!! I think I utilized STOP AND REWIND the most. I did not know how to use my pause button. I didn’t know I even had one, let alone discover the functionality of it.
I was hyperreactive at all times, because for me, stopping to analyze my mood, my anger, my sorrow… meant I had to discover I was a broken person. That I wasn’t whole. That I had to do a great deal of self-reflection. It’s not easy to look in the mirror and think to yourself, “dude… you suck. You are an a-hole of a person. You are selfish.” It took me an enormous amount of fortitude and honesty to decide to change myself. I didn’t know how savage and ungrateful I had become during my own battles with the devil throughout my life, my marriage, my pregnancy, and my postpartum.
I think having a sane husband was extremely instrumental in my healing. That poor man (again… I feel like they are going to Saint him one day!!! Ahahahaha)… stood by me through thick and thin. I didn’t realize that was his way of conveying his unconditional love for me. Before, it was me against him. What he WASN’T DOING. What he lacked.
Then one day I notice a new button with two lines on it. I started manically pushing on it… it was my PAUSE button. It didn’t work at first, but slowly but surely, it started not pushing back at me… it stayed clicked down and started working. When that button clicked, it gave me the opportunity to change MY perspective and decide to focus on what he WAS doing right (and not just him, but everyone around me). I changed my thoughts and focused on the fact that he’s an amazing human being. Great husband. Charitable. Loving. And most significantly… the best father ever. Hands down. No bias. THEE BEST FATHER EVER. His love for that little girl transcends anything. It permeates my soul… that’s how much he loves her. I can physically feel it. (Ah… tears!).
This Pause button allowed me to take a breather before saying hurtful words, walking away, or shutting down. (I do, however, still need a timeout phase… which I guess essentially is still my pause button in effect… but it doesn’t last for days or weeks… hehe). Most importantly, it gives me that split second to decide how I want to affect the people around me and myself for that matter. Before, I didn’t care who or whom I hurted. I wanted them to hurt just as much as I was hurting… and with me because I was living in hell, isolated, and miserable. Misery does love company.
I made an active decision to change myself, because I don’t want my daughter emulating my behavior. I want her to know Mommy is not perfect, but there is room for change. Room for forgiveness. And room for growth. At any age. It’s your choice to turn your frown upside down. IT IS “YOUR!!!” CHOICE. Every day is a chance at happiness. And I choose not to waste it suffering. My life doesn’t have to always be chaotic rap songs or melancholy love songs…because I know how to use all my buttons now. CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS AND YOU CHANGE YOUR WORLD. Very poignantly true.