I hope all the mom’s, aunt’s, grandma’s, women ready-to-pop had a great Mother’s Day weekend. Mine was relatively low-key, but perfect. I truly thank God I’m able to celebrate this day. The day was lazily spent with friends, in-laws, church, and lots of eating. Perfection.
The title of my blog is related to a repeated conversation I have with a friend, MF… (no, NOT Mother F’er… again… those are her real initials. Seriously, I don’t even notice til I write these blogs. hahahahahahah). The gist of the convo goes something like this:
MF: “where’s O?”
MF: “Don’t you miss her?”
Me: “Yes, but she’s learning a lot at school.”
MF: “But it’s everyday?”
Me: “Yeah.” (With a quizzical thought of “hmm, am I a bad mom? Is that what she’s implying? Esp because I’m a stay at home mom, while my office is being licensed?”)
MF: “I don’t know… that’s a lot. Hmm, I would miss my D so much.”
Well, we’ve had this conversation nearly every time we have seen each other. I don’t take offense because it’s her thoughts and she has every right to vocalize it, but some times I feel like I’m supposed to feel bad that my child along with every other child who is with her in class daily. Initially, I felt as if I almost had to justify that that is just the way the school works and that at first I wasn’t really prepared to send her daily. Or, that I sometimes deliberately keep her at home with me on days I just want to spend some extra time with her. But this last time, I didn’t want to justify. And I didn’t feel I needed too, either. I just asked her to stop saying that.
I enjoy my daughter immensely. I’ve been with her daily for 3 years non-stop nearly as a single mom half of the week because my husband is gone to our other place and I will be with her for the rest of my life whether it be physically or emotionally from near or far. But, I’m ok now with being able to admit… “I damn well like my 7 hours during the day to do whatever the hell I please!!!!!” I used to feel bad all the time thinking people would think, “hmm, what does she do with her free time? Is she being productive? Is she just being lazy?” And yes, yes, yes, I am being all those things. And you know why? BECAUSE I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahah. I stopped punishing myself for needing some “Chris time.” I am human. I stopped feeling guilty that my lovely and hardworking husband was at work while I was now able to enjoy a few hours of solitude, because at the end of the day… I’m a better person, wife, and mom. I’m able to appreciate all that my husband does in order for me to be able to have this time without having to worry about HAVING to work. At the end of the day, being a productive and loving human being means more to me than anything.
I wasn’t functioning properly for years… again same sob story about lack of sleep which led to a bit of depression and anxiety. But it’s true. I was hostile, sensitive, and unable to show empathy or sympathy towards others because in my mind… I was the one who needed the empathy and sympathy. But now, I’m able to think. I am able to love. I am able to empathize (yep, even with my man). And most importantly, I am able to somewhat control my own frustrations better. And the icing on the cake… I am able to not care so much what other people say to me anymore. I don’t dwell. (Well, I guess I’m dwelling since I’m talking about it now… but I just thought it was a great topic for moms since we all at some point are made to feel bad by other mom’s who without malice aforethought just say what they want. And that’s ok.)
I’m starting my a business with my sister. I’m taking care of both sides of our family. I’m taking care of my family and two households. And I’m taking care of myself. So 7hours of free time during the week to do all that… yeah, it’s good. And it’s ok moms. And yes MF, I miss my girl as much as you would miss D & S. We are all different in what we need and how we do things. Sometimes, no advice is needed. No opinions. Just friendship, mommyhood, love, and support are all that is needed. The best friendships come from knowing we are all different but able to discuss and love one another through those differences… of course, unless you are complete asshole. But then again, if you were a complete A-hole, you probably aren’t a part of my life anyways.