It’s just one of those days… week…!!! I can’t seem to catch up with myself and yet when I really stop to think what I’m catching up with… there’s nothing. I just don’t feel normal right now. I feel a deep sense of dread. I think it’s all the sickness around me or something. My grandmother is ailing… and I think I’m in denial. I haven’t called her in about a week because I don’t want to hear her weakened voice. My dad is doing well and yet at night, I shudder at the thought of an emergency phone call during the night. Isn’t it funny that you think bad things only happen at night.
I keep reminding myself that that is just life. Death is just as much a part of life as living is. I keep telling myself this, however, I’m not sure I’m believing it or accepting of it quite yet. I don’t want to live with this fear though so I remind myself to just let it free so I can feel free, but it’s hard.
I need a vacation from my vacation. I need a week away by myself to get reacquainted with my own needs. Does that make sense? I feel like I’ve been catering to other’s needs more than mine lately, namely one little person that goes by the name “O.” =) I know I should but I can’t leave her. I know she would be left in great hands… but they aren’t mine. I need to get over it but I’m comforted knowing she’s with me… and yet tormented at the same time. It’s my own dilemma so I’m trying not to take my fatigue out on anyone like I used to.
There’s a great deal of reminding and repeating I do in my mind. It’s essential to my sanity because I have to keep the depression at bay and under control because I know I’m stronger than my mind. I keep telling myself I’m in control of every situation and there is a choice. This gives me greater autonomy which gives me a sense of control over my life. I can’t allow myself to relinquish so much of my own identity and needs anymore like I used to because I end up feeling vulnerable and then resentful. And I have learned it’s not fair to others because it was my own doing. I think learning to take responsibility for what I cause has been instrumental in me shedding of the “spoiled little sister (yes, because of my sister ahahahah) syndrome.” I guess life really doesn’t revolve around CKL. Ahahahahhahaha.
I need humor more than ever. It felt so good to have some really hearty laughs with my sister this past week. (Hyung… you know why too!!!). I have also been reminiscing with my friend, LL (no, not Lindsay Lohan) about all the crazy things we used to do to each other all in good fun and all the major trash talking we would do during our live Scrabble and Domino matches. I miss it so much.
Anyways, I will make myself snap out of it. I know it’s nothing more than a hormonal shift… funny, because I lacked these insights before and would just be overcome by my emotions.
Ok toodles everyone.