I’ve been lying low the past couple of days because we are in the trying period. Ugh. It’s such work. Let’s move on.
Fertility. It’s such a sensitive issue. Some people talk about it openly while others suffer in silence as if they are lepers of some kind. I find it sad. I see the envy in some of our friends eyes as they see the joy a child can bring into a family’s lives. I picture my friend P. He’s such a great guy with an amazing wife and I ache at their struggle. I see his eyes light up when he sees husb playing with O like “that’s gotta be me one day.” And I truly pray that it is soon. I think of them often because I know so well all the turmoil and frustrations that go into bringing a child into this world. The monthly agony and disappointment of another stick coming up negative. People say, “well you already have one so that should be enough.” And it is very true. But unless you are in my shoes, you don’t know what it’s like to feel like you still have something to complete not really for me but FOR MY DAUGHTER. I don’t want her to be an only child. The world is so lonely at times and all you have is your family.
I remember being in P’s shoes all too well. I remember looking on at my friends with their complete households feeling like “why can’t that be us?” Feeling like God had skipped over my door and Santa forgot I had a roof to climb through. I hated hearing, “it will happen when it’s meant to be!” I felt like saying …”Shut the front door Mofo… it should be meant to be right now. Just shut the bleepsicles up. You don’t know sheeznits you fertile duck!!!” Before I had O, I think I wasn’t even really able to feel completely happy for my friends who were having babies. I hated going to first birthdays and babyshowers because inevitably the questions would turn to me. And people would ask… “so when?” The real me would want to say “when you stop trucking asking me punk.” But I would kindly do the polite thing and say, “oh we are trying.” I think some real assholes just asked to be assholes. Really. No joke. It’s like people don’t ask people who have been married for a couple years that question because it is none of your damn business. I’ve learned my lesson well and try to be empathetic and sensitive. I guess the saying “unless you walked a mile in my shoes” really is something people should take heed about.
Then, after one comes along those same assholes immediately ask about number two. Funny, I distinctly see the faces of the assholes right now who always are asking me about number two. Ahahahaha. But I’m hoping soon. It is so frustrating to think that you can do everything right in terms of eating, exercising, taking your prenatal vitamins but it still doesn’t happen. Literally, I think I just need like a week of uninterrupted sleep, Ms. O.
Anyways, that’s that.
Last night, I did my English accent for O. And that crazy little munchkin loves it and keeps saying “mommy, more funny voice.” I feel like if she could she would mimic me. But given that she can’t even fine tune the American-English language yet. I will give her a day or two to practice. ahahaahahah.
Anyhow, have a great day. And all you people who have “Words with Friends” accounts… give me your username. I am straight a cracked out junkie lately with that game. I will explain the insanity behind my addiction in the next blog. It’s actually pretty sad.