I’ve been going to my dad’s chemotherapy sessions and it has been cathartic to spend time with him in the environment that we are in. I think for a little bit, I was just holding my breath. Waiting for the tides to calm. Not really living in the now. Being with him, I have become far more patient and compassionate towards him and his disease. I am able to now admit that my dad is fighting for his life. Fighting to be part of this world just a bit longer. I’m fighting for him too. My husband said last night, “at least ten more years. Just so that O could know him.” I sit here crying because I feel so fortunate that I’ve had him this long in my life, but cry wondering if my daughter will know what a great man he is. My dad was the first man I loved unconditionally and the only person who has never let me feel abandoned. I know he tried his best with us. I never doubted that. As crazy of a Korean traditionalist he was… he’s the reason I succeeded at whatever I “really” put my mind too.
I had a breakdown the other day. Just cried for 3 hours straight. I think with those tears all the fears, anxiety, and sadness just trickled out of my system. I still cry. But more for my mom who seems bewildered and confused. I cry because I can see the toll that the chemo is taking on my dad. The signs and symptoms that he’s unfamiliar I feel I can see. I wish I could just take this all away. I don’t understand why God couldn’t just let him live peacefully. I don’t know if it’s so I could learn a lesson in life to treat my family better. But it sucks. But like my mother in-law says “with every bad thing something good comes.” I’m waiting for that something good.
I’m working on just being present though. Understanding that life is short. Very cliche but it is. I don’t want to waste these days that my family members are all healthy and happy being sad. I just pray that my dad is stronger than the cancer and the chemo.
“If it doesn’t kill you, it will only make you stronger.” I want to trust in this.