So today, I’m not going to write about what I’ve bought or used. I’m going to write about how I have been feeling. Brace yourselves.
I’ve been feeling blah and anxious. But unlike before, where I would feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom without hope for any saving grace or sanity, I understand how blessed I am and yet still feel this dull heaviness in my heart. And I now realize this dull heaviness is called “mother freaking PMS!!!!!” What the hell. I never quite comprehended how much heartache PMS causes me. I become a monster and then a monster stricken with an enormous sense of guilt for lashing out at the people who mean the most to me.
I even get super frustrated with O. I put a new meaning to the word “short.” It’s sick how I can just lash out. But today, I learned to walk away in the midst of my frustration and just close the door on O’s outburst and not internalize it as me abandoning her. I have a huge issue with abandonment so I never wanted O to feel like I was abandoning her. But now, I realized that I would rather not be short with her and then later be consumed with guilt for screaming at her because I can’t deal with my own inadequacies or frustrations at not being able to be all things for all the people in my life.
Anyhow, God truly answered my prayers because I needed a glass of wine tonight and He provided it to me during my RCIA class at church tonight. I never understood it when people used to say “I just need a good glass of wine or a beer,” but man oh man… I sooooooooo get it now. Beer and Wine are my two best friends. I’m quite enjoying Samuel Adams Black Cherry flavored beer.
I tried to give up alcohol but I think it was too much for me too soon. I gave up soda, meat, and over-indulging in alcohol… I wish I could give up my impatience but I now understand that’s the cross I have to bear on my shoulders in order to be more compassionate and humble as a human being.
Gotta go… sorry for the abrupt stop but O is pushing all the buttons.
