Today was the first day in about a 27 1/2 months that I didn’t wake up waiting to go back to sleep. I actually feel like I have tons of energy. Okay well, that is a total exaggeration but I don’t have the tired, burning, heavy eyes feeling today. What happened? Your guess is as good as mine. I didn’t even sleep very well because my little dollface was tossing and turning and then wanting her “jjoo jjoo (milk)” at 5 am. But nonetheless, I’ve had energy to do three loads of laundry, vacuum, play with O, take her to the park, and take a leisurely stroll around the block. Whew… and it’s only 1:15pm. I actually just started dinner preparations as well. Seriously must be the vitamins I’m taking. Or the extra doses of caffeine I’ve been injecting straight into the carotid.
The past couple of weeks have been rough. I won’t go into detail about why. Life can be hard. I truly learned who my core support system are… my immediate family and a few handful of friends whom I was able to confide in. I have a wonderful life that I am fully in control of now. I learned I cannot relinquish that power to anyone to make my life become chaotic. I learned that I cannot lean on anyone other than God, my family, and my little O. Family is only your family. I learned the hard way that people will only be there for you in a superficial way most of the time… because when you really, truly need them they will slap you in the face.
I’m growing to by leaps and bounds right along with O. She teaches me daily about my own temperment, my lack of patience and tolerance for the things I can not control, and my ability to love someone endlessly and without fault. She is my life and my sanity in the midst of chaos and sadness. She’s the reason i quiet my own insecurities and negativity. She’s the reason I look forward to waking up to another day too.
I love watching her interact with various members of the family. It’s ironic how she spends so little time with her dad and yet she was a fountain of kisses left for him and so much affection. It makes me coo watching them. Those moments are too few and far in-between.
The cowards, in my life, will no longer affect me. I vowed after these past couple of weeks that they will no longer tempt me to lose sight of the person I am and who I want to be. I turned to them and they turned me away. Life lesson learned. Karma. Believe it.