I’m alone at home right now.  Olivia went to her grandma’s house to be baby-sat.  I was very resistant to it.  I didn’t want my little girl to be traveling back and forth.  I didn’t want to come home to an empty house.  Even with the chaos and no quiet time… I wouldn’t want it any other way.  But now that I’m home and I have some peace and quiet to myself… I don’t know what to do first.  I have about 2 hours before my little fireball gets home.  I cried like a little baby this morning as I buckled her into her carseat… and stared at her little oblivious face just worried that mommy was going to take her little ball out of her hands.  I’m crying now just thinking about it.  I didn’t even want to go to work but I thought about how unfair to Olivia it would be if I just stayed home and moped around because she wasn’t here.  I shipped her off so I could go to work… so that I did.

So now, I’m just embracing this down time I have.  I don’t know if I should read a magazine, go on a walk, ready a book, eat without getting indigestion or sleep.

I feel torn too because I still don’t fully know if I want to quit my job or not.  I truly love my vocation, even my job with all it’s workplace drama.  I love my owner (boss) she’s crazy… but I know she’s a good person and for whatever reason, we click.  I don’t know if I want to give up the stress of the job to be a full-time mommy.  The reality check of me not be the picture perfect house-wife and full time mom has really made me doubt my abilities as a mother… but I know I’m a far better mom when I’m able to continue to do something for myself.  I hate it when husb says “we’ll you’re not going to be able to work if we have another… blah blah blah.”  I feel constricted… so I think I fight it even more.

But through this job… I’m learning to not be such a quitter.

Anyhow… I’m going to spend the rest of my time reading my trash magazine and eating some leftover thai food.

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