So, the party is over and O is walking.  Amazingly, she began walking the morning of her 1st birthday.  She was taking steps here and there but now she’s officially a toddler.  I can’t believe it.  I was sick with a fever the morning of her birthday… and a major stress case at the party because I felt like if something went wrong … it was all my fault because this time… I was responsible for EVERYTHING.  But apparently, people had a good time.  Whew.

Yesterday, our nuclear family had a great time.  I dropped my mom off at home in the morning because she babysat for us so we could meet up with our friends after Os party.  It was nice catching up with my girlfriend, Noel and just hanging out.  When I got home, it was such a beautiful day that I forced my hubby to go to the park with us.  (He was tired from waking up early to go to Super Car Sunday).  We had a great time.  We rode the swing with O and took lots of people.  She pointed at dogs and said “mong mong” which in Korean signifies “doggy.”

Then, we took a much needed 2 hour nap as a family.  Luckily, O woke up just in time for all of us to get ready to go to Mass.  She flirted with everyone around us by giving her her little scrunch face smile.  More than that, the homily was just beautiful and thought-provoking.

At night, our dear friend, Esther L, came over just to hang out.  We had a great time just catching up and laughing at Husb’s storytelling about his freshman year roommate but in the end… it made me want to cry.

Last night, O woke up in the middle of the night.  She cried for about 2mins then stopped and just sat in her crib waiting for someone to rescue her.  I didn’t go in right away and just watched her on the monitor.  She just sat and sat and sat.  So finally, I went in.  And it was the saddest thing ever… most kids would wail when they see their parent come in just out of sheer angst… but she just like a little grown up… made a sad face and sucked in her tears.  I wanted to crumble to the floor and just start crying because I thought… “omg, what?  Why did she suck it in?  Why didn’t she just cry?”  I felt like she held it in for me.  I just held her and held her and told her I loved her and cried.  I can’t even believe how she tears my heart apart into shreds and breaks me down on a daily basis.  I have been fearful of being any cause of pain for her (as I know I will be in the future… as all parents are to their children)… but now, I’m just embracing it and hoping and praying that God gives me the serenity to know the difference between being intentionally cruel and just being a protective parent.

I love her.  I love her so much.  I, now, know the meaning of loving til it hurts.

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