I’m blank. Numb. I do not know what my life has become. I feel I have not been honest with myself or anyone else for that matter. Always afraid for some reason. Even afraid that somehow my sadness is going to inflict pain and infiltrate Olivia’s pure and honest life. I resent myself for that and my weakness handicaps me.
I feel like my childhood angst is haunting me these days because I’m afraid not for me but for Olivia. Watching her brings back hidden demons from my childhood and youth. But I can’t really pinpoint what it is. I am assuming it’s just fear. The strength of that silent fear leaves me feeling catatonic at times. It sends me into a panic. I don’t want her to experience some of the pain I have. It’s not the kind of pain for most people… like “blame your parents for everything…” because I find solace knowing they did the best they could as immigrants to this country who had to work and struggle. What I fear the most is that Olivia is going to see through me and recognize the pain, sadness, and loneliness… and that she may not like the mommy to whom she was born too.
I’m scared that the show will be over… because I think I want it to be over. I’m tired of wearing this mask. I’m tired of pretending everything is ok.