(Olivia was pushing the CAPS button)…
I’m tired and frustrated these days. I have been on my own with help here and there from my sister and mother inlaw but it’s definitely not the same as having my mom here and staying with me. I was expecting her back yesterday. Then my excitement came to a screeching halt when my sister told me that my mom wouldn’t be back for another week. WTF. I went into a tailspin. I was soooooooooo freaking angry for whatever reason. I thought about all the plans I had to cancel. Then it dawned on me… I shouldn’t rely on people so much.
I’ve been a spoiled brat my whole life. My mom, my sister, my grandmother, my dad… everyone did everything for me. I realize that I’m a mom now… but I still want to be spoiled. I don’t necessarily want to be the brat… but definitely spoiled. I feel like I’m becoming invisible. I feel like I’m an indentured servant to my husband and baby. (The baby I don’t mind so much because she’s just a baby and doesn’t know any better… but my husb… hmmm that’s questionable… because he acts like a baby some times even though he thinks he’s a mature and grown adult). Too bad for me… I have a life-long contract with my owners!!! Ahahahahahha. Jk.
Husb and I were so tired last night because we had a very filled weekend. He had a seminar at UCLA on Saturday morning then had to meet us in the Valley for potluck with our bi-monthly potluck group… (had yummy food and good times!!). Saturday, I had a brunch with my friend and she came over while I cooked and kept Olivia occupied (Thank you Kasey… love you) and then off to the Valley. I was so tired but I knew my in-laws would be happy if we brought Olivia since we were already in the area. Since it was late, I suggested we still sleep there even though I had nothing prepared. What a big ass mistake.
Since Olivia was in a new environment, she didn’t sleep well which meant WE didn’t sleep well. Husb tried to sugarcoat it in the morning saying, “she did great!” But I didn’t think so because I wanted to drive home with her at 3am. So obviously, we have a huge difference in opinions.
Then we had to be in Torrance by 11am. But my mother in-law wanted us to wait until she came back from Mass to see the baby before she left. So time was not abundant. We went home, changed, and left again. Baby was not at all happy from being constantly woken up, taken out of car seat, and then put back … and then the same thing again. We had brunch in Torrance then walked around Del Amo with a bunch of Husb’s UCLA Undergrad friends and all the kids. Wow, can’t believe the kid to parent ratio now. It’s amazing and wonderful. (Great O just discovered how to get behind the sofa this morning… she never ventured back there before… she’s a bit of a chicken!!!). Then home again… husb had a quick HOA meeting. Then off to Mass. By this point, you could tell all three of us were on fumes. I still had to come home and do a paper. WTH. So I started doing it and then Olivia was just a cranky monster. Her daddy gave her a bath… and still. So ofcourse, I had to stop doing what I was doing and soothe her while trying to make something to eat for the husb. Then, he had to take my bro in-law to the airport… and I was alone trying to soothe an unsoothe-able baby. Finally, she went to sleep around 9:30pm… and I was in no mood to eat or do any papers. I washed dishes and bottles (f’n bottles… I feel like I’m always washing bottles!!!!!), left food for husb, and tried to go to sleep. But I felt so angry I couldn’t.
Why was I so angry? Let me give you an example. So earlier in the day, I told Husb… “hey, go with Olivia to the brunch so I could have some time for myself and finish my homework.” Response w/dumbfounded look… “uh, then how am I going to eat? it’s a buffet?” My response with look of annoyance and bewilderment… “what do you mean how are you going to eat? ergo her… and stand up and eat. like I do.” So the conversation went from there to him saying… “sounds like you’re just complaining… (and then the obvious response from every man who only PLAYS with their kid…) how are you going to handle two if you can’t even handle one?” My response with controlled but visible fury… “wth, I can’t have a couple of hours to myself without being called an inept and uncapable mother? wtf.” So… it went from there but we worked it out and went on with our day. But I was exhausted.
So ofcourse by the end of the night… we are frustrated, tired, and irritated with one another. I didn’t prepare a meal for him… but I still made him something he liked. I thought… “oh, he’ll at least wash the 5 things in the sink since I had already done the dishes and cleaned up.” Woke up… and what the f*ck do I see in the sink the same dishes that he ate out of and that I kindly cooked something for him with!!! I don’t know why he couldn’t have just washed it quickly after he ate… like he thinks his huevos are going to fall off if his hands touch dishwashing liquid. I would have been in a much better mood and would have actually felt horribly for not making him a better meal… but now… I’m destroying my indentured servant contract with him. And PISH… you can tell him this too. (BTW Pish… Thanks for telling him I wanted him to do the dishes… because he took a baby step and took out the trash… yahoo!!!)
I’m thinking about quitting school for the time being too… it’s just too hard because I don’t have the time to really dedicate my energy and efforts especially because I don’t think my mom should feel bad about having her life and needing her time away from me and Olivia… even my sister. If anything, my husband should step up and help me out so I could finish my school… but HE WORKS… SO THAT MAKES HIM EXEMPT FROM EVERYTHING, RIGHT? But he is busy. So I’m going to have to put my life on hold a bit. I am going to start working too. I don’t like and never liked asking for money from anyone… especially because I was used to making my own money… so I think it would help me feel like I contribute more than I spend. Which in my mind, I don’t think I spend nearly as much as I used too or as much as he does even though he thinks he doesn’t. Whatever…!!!! He has expensive taste… and he says that my Forever 21 addiction adds up… but so what… it’s still not 100K… Mr Porsche Man or Mr I have a trillion different watches!!! Touche!