My sister was upset yesterday after having a tiff with my dad. They are two stubborn people who buttheads about this and that, namely business issues. When the child begins to transition into the role of head-of-the-household, I feel like the parent feels a sense of angst for their lost identity, youth, and the need to feel needed.
After their tiff, my sis ofcourse sought refuge with my mom as did my dad. Both were hurt. Both were angry. Both had valid points for feeling hurt. But my mom… why does she have to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. I felt like their hurt was transferred to a person who was unassumingly have a good day at her granddaughters house. It wasn’t fair.
So, I talked to my sister and helped alleviate the situation. And at the end of the day, everything seemed a bit trivial.
The reason why I am writing about this today is because we, as human beings, have the inclination to automatically turn on our “auto-pilot emotion” button when we feel we are being attacked. We don’t just let things roll off our shoulders. We internalize it. We feel victimized. We feel hurt.
But when you look at the grandeur scheme of things, you begin to realize that only you have the capacity to change the way you view a situation, how you’ll react to it, and what you’ll learn from the situation about yourself. We, so easily, point blame on others, because for the temporary it heals us and makes us feel we in no way have to carry any burden or do we have some sort of internal mis-wiring. Because then, we’d have to focus on ourselves and our flaws which isn’t the easiest thing to do. Having to focus on your role in an altercation isn’t pleasant because most of us don’t really understand what true humility is. We think we have to tear the other person down in order to feel big. But essentially, we do that because we feel hurt.
We all have friends (and I’m guilty of not being a good person in my younger years… I can admit that I was insecure and had lots of childhood issues that I wasn’t cognizant of) who seem to always bask in other’s misery. There’s a little sparkle in their eyes or a little smile they are fighting to hide when they see you saddened. A better you than me situation. But I now know that those people have been hurt the most… and so they feel a sense of peace when it’s finally not them hurting even for that split second. Again, a better you than me situation. So even as they try to empathize, part of them feels a sense of relief. They are not necessarily bad people but people who have been hurt throughout their lives. (But I’ll write more about the different types of people I have encountered at a later time).
Throughout the years, I have tried to learn and grow as a person. I’m still a work in progress. But, I have learned not to internalize things, not to victimize myself, and most especially, not to blame others for my own personal downfall. No one made my choices, no one knows my true thoughts, and no one can take anything away from me but myself. Realizing that, I began to heal and understand I was wasting my life thinking about how much pain I’ve endured. There’s nothing I can do about the past or about the future. So, I “try” to make great effort to enjoy the now more. Not when my daughter can crawl, not when she can talk, not when my husband has more days off… just the now.
And that makes me feel not so hurt.