So we were on Day 5 of child torture… and ultimately, I had to give up because it was sooooo not worth a couple extra hours of sleep.  My heart would break every morning wondering what the ramifications of letting a tiny, little four month old baby cry-it-out might be in the future.  I’d cry just watching her as she nursed.  I’d crumble inside when she’d wake up day after day with a smile on her face for me despite being exhausted herself from crying for hours.  I knew it was enough when I left the house at 4am, because I couldn’t take it anymore.  And in the end, my husband even succumbed.

I know I was supposed to write about breastfeeding but I’m not going too.  I’m so exhausted right now that my brain is fried.  I, literally, thought the weather woman, on channel 5 this morning, was walking in front of my bed.  When in actuality, she was, of course, inside the television.  Freaked me out.  I can’t even think straight… I’d be thinking something in my head believing those thoughts were being spoken yet they weren’t.  Confused, I’d ask, “did I just tell you …?,” and my sister would be like, “what the freak, retard, no.”

I don’t care what the books or professionals say anymore.  Well… to a certain degree, I think it’s best to use common sense and take things with a grain of salt.  Our parents raised us very primitively and most of us turned out fairly well.  They didn’t have the gidgets and gadgets we think we need to raise good, solid children.  So bottom line, I know my child best.  I know what she needs and doesn’t need.  I don’t care what a 4 1/2 month old  could or should be doing… because in my eyes, she’s absolutely right on track!  And it gives me a peace of mind not living with the mantra “do more, so she could be more.”  Now that is going to help us all sleep and feel better.  So, as Forrest Gump said, “that’s all I have to say about that!!!”

Because of this trial run, I ended up feeling a bit depressed again.  I’d cry just thinking about the torment I had been putting Olivia through and the images of her crying inconsolably would haunt me throughout the day.  Her dried tear puddle, on her blankie, was proof to me enough was enough.  It didn’t help when my mom cried with me.  My mom isn’t much of a crier (which was how I was in the past), so I recognized how detrimental letting your baby “cry it out” could be, not only on the psyche of your child, but to those witnessing the event as well.  It was the most selfish thing I have done to date to my child. I had to accept my baby just may not have great “self-soothing skills” according to “cry-it-out” aficionados… but, oh the bleeping wonders well!!!  So now, I’m just trying to make the best of a burnt situation and move on knowing I did what I thought was in her best interest.  Yet, accepting I was wrong.

I’m sure there are many families who swear by the “cry-it-out” method and I’m happy for them.  But to new mommy’s and daddy’s, listen to what your heart is telling you; not to a DVD, not to a book you read,or even what your bestest friend is advising or telling you to do, because ultimately, you will know your child the best.  So just nod and say… “thank you for the great advise.”  And find comfort knowing… what works for one child and family may not or will not work for yours.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember that!  It’s a process of trial and error.  Listen to your baby… she/he will tell you what they need if you listen and pay attention.

I know I’m a new mommy and I’m sure the veteran mommy’s are probably saying “shut the hell up, you little turd… what the hell do you know!”  So I emphasize once again, this is just my opinion from my short lived experience as a mother.  If it helps, great.  If it doesn’t … buzzard off.  Hehehe, jk.

Hope everyone had a great week.   I have a fun filled weekend planned with my sisters (big sis and sis inlaw).  We also have a lunch planned with the Tan Family which we are very excited about.  Next week is a busy week for us, because we are planning the baptism of our little girl.  We will also be celebrating my birthday weekend by rocking out with some very good friends.

Take care and be safe.

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