Take care everyone.  It has been fun.

I started reading this book, Making Babies, on my lovely color Nook (plug).  It has been informative and I have made some minor changes in terms of my caffeine and alcohol intake (although I think I will have a cup today and I gave up alcohol months ago) and started acupuncture in conjunction with some herbal meds to get my chi back in harmony… ahahaha I laugh because I thought it was such quackery.  But I have to say that acupuncture really does seem to lower my pain in my lower back, shoulders, and sciatic.  I was very much against herbal medications because I had never heard any good but I decided to try it not so much for the baby issues but for my overall wellness.

Most of you are probably wondering why is she all of a sudden out-of-whack again and struggling… I wonder that too.  The effects an imbalance in hormone can have on a persons emotions and well-being sometimes goes under the radar as “oh she’s just PMSing or it’s the weather or whatever,” but when you see people in mental institutions, you begin to understand that hormones and chemical imbalances that go unchecked for prolonged periods can really cause a person to go ape-shit.  So check in with yourselves.  Protect your mind, body, and soul by figuring out and solving your issues rather than sweeping them under the rug.  It may take some screaming, yelling, and crying… but fix it.  I learned, recently, that when you really look at the problem at hand without letting your mind start creating more drama, the problem really doesn’t take much to solve.  The feelings of impending doom from a hormone balance is icy and engulfing.  I know it all to well.  But we are stronger than our minds trickery, so don’t let it go on too long.

Basically, my hormones are out-of-sorts because we really thought we were pregnant last month.  End of story.  No boo hoo’s, no why me’s.  It’s life.  So why not me.  I’m blessed in so many ways.  I have no time to feel sorry for myself.  And I really didn’t.  Who I feel bad towards of course are O and my Husb.  But they too are so blessed, there’s no need for sadness. And even with my mind knowing how blessed I am… my body felt completely different.  So I have been working on getting things back to normal for the past couple of weeks and slowly but surely I am feeling great again.

I do recommend this book to anyone going through fertility issues or are just planning on getting pregnant in the near future, because it addresses things that need to be taken care of beforehand as well as being diligent about your health.  After reading this book, I began to really view the whole Artificial Reproductive Therapy (ART) as a business.  So before anyone goes out to have an IUI or IVF (I think it stands for “I’m very fortunate!!!… because You have to be able to pay so much for it… ), please read this book because there could be natural ways to get yourself pregnant.  (And Pish… it does talk about cyclists.  LOL.  I immediately thought about you).

Have a great week everyone.

Western meets Eastern Medicine in a harmonious way...

I keep reminding myself that that is just life.  Death is just as much a part of life as living is.  I keep telling myself this, however, I’m not sure I’m believing it or accepting of it quite yet.  I don’t want to live with this fear though so I remind myself to just let it free so I can feel free, but it’s hard.

I need a vacation from my vacation.  I need a week away by myself to get reacquainted with my own needs.  Does that make sense?  I feel like I’ve been catering to other’s needs more than mine lately, namely one little person that goes by the name “O.” =)  I know I should but I can’t leave her.  I know she would be left in great hands… but they aren’t mine.  I need to get over it but I’m comforted knowing she’s with me… and yet tormented at the same time.  It’s my own dilemma so I’m trying not to take my fatigue out on anyone like I used to.

There’s a great deal of reminding and repeating I do in my mind.  It’s essential to my sanity because I have to keep the depression at bay and under control because I know I’m stronger than my mind.  I keep telling myself I’m in control of every situation and there is a choice.  This gives me greater autonomy which gives me a sense of control over my life.  I can’t allow myself to relinquish so much of my own identity and needs anymore like I used to because I end up feeling vulnerable and then resentful.  And I have learned it’s not fair to others because it was my own doing.  I think learning to take responsibility for what I cause has been instrumental in me shedding of the “spoiled little sister (yes, because of my sister ahahahah) syndrome.”  I guess life really doesn’t revolve around CKL.  Ahahahahhahaha.

I need humor more than ever.  It felt so good to have some really hearty laughs with my sister this past week. (Hyung… you know why too!!!).  I have also been reminiscing with my friend, LL (no, not Lindsay Lohan) about all the crazy things we used to do to each other all in good fun and all the major trash talking we would do during our live Scrabble and Domino matches.  I miss it so much.

Anyways, I will make myself snap out of it.  I know it’s nothing more than a hormonal shift… funny, because I lacked these insights before and would just be overcome by my emotions.

Ok toodles everyone.

I was sick the first three days so I was immensely irritable with Os needs.  I felt badly.  But luckily, the whole week wasn’t ruined because I started feeling better on Wednesday.  I had a canker sore in my throat.  Some times when I get “overly drawn” (like I like to phrase) my body just tells me… I need some rest by making my tonsils go apeshit.  Excuse my language.

We went on a long walk from the room to the Shake Shack.  It was a great walk.  We were sweating like we had run a marathon.  It felt exhilarating.  I hadn’t sweat like that in a long time.  My body felt awake.  Alive.  I want to do it again but we have other things planned for our last day here.  I am going to miss the weather most.

Also, I have a minor crush on “The Rock.”  Why?  Because we have been watching “The Gameplan.”  I like his voice.  LOL.  The little girl irritates me though.  Ahahahahahah.  I’m so mean.

Well, have a great weekend everyone.  We have a baby’s first birthday to go to and then dinosaurs to see this weekend.

I am truly blessed.  I feel enormously grateful.

I can write right now because my good friend, Esther, is playing with O right now.  She’s amazeballs with my daugther. (New fave word… thanks Guiliana Rancic!!!)

Well, it’s been another month of no promising news in the baby making field.  We really thought this month we were going to have good news to offer but we were pretty disappointed.  I had one woe-is-me day then quickly snapped myself out of it.  There’s no point.  I leave everything up to God.

Anyways, what I wanted to write about today was how history seems to repeat itself with every new generation.

“You’re fat.”  Those are tacks to someone’s ears.  Especially that of a growing child whether male or female these days… it really doesn’t matter.  I understand obesity is becoming an epidemic but we as a society are the ones who aren’t controlling the situation.  Rather, we are letting the situation control us.

I recently had lunch with my friend, Judy, who has three amazingly beautiful kids.  Well, her eldest daughter is now 10 and obviously going through puberty and put on a couple of pounds.  Grant it, the weight may look more obvious on her to others because she was a very, very thin girl growing up.  However, when a ten year old girl says out of nowhere “Auntie Chris, I’m fat!!!”  You know people have been mentioning it to her… WAY TOO DAMN OFTEN.  Her mom said she’s so confident she blows it off… but I don’t know.  Obviously it gets to her if that’s one of the first things she says to someone.  It made me livid.  I heard and saw people do it to my sister and even to me when I gained weight and it is absolutely a vicious cycle.  I hate it.

Why do older Asians think it’s okay to do that?  Do they like hearing “You’re fat?”  Effin no one does.  NO ONE!!!  My friend continued to tell me that her nieces grandparents told her while in China… “You’re so fat, you can’t fit into any Asian sizes!!!”  What the f.  I think the best way to remedy this situation is to correct them as a parent.  My parents just stood by and took it not realizing the affect it would have on my sister and me.  But I will be damned if anyone says that to my daughter or me or anyone for that matter again.  I’m sick of older generations thinking it is ok, especially if they themselves aren’t in optimum condition.

We can not let our children’s confidence be dictated by their unsolicited negative body image.  For a child… it just is not fair.  Correct them, I say.  You don’t have to be mean… just a simple “I do not think that is an appropriate comment to make to a child” should suffice.  Just thinking about it makes me sick.  Please, let’s not as evolved, well-educated, and decent human beings not do that to our kids and especially other kids.  Encourage exercise, activity, and play.  Introduce good healthy foods.  But for the life of Pinocchio (he’s fake you know)… do not project your own negative self-image on your child.

Thank you.

The night before, my husband came home with my new birthday toy… the NOOK COLOR.  Awesome.  Seriously. Like I said, I was reluctant because I like having the capability to write in books and feel the pages etc, but the NOOK allows you to do all that.  I love it.  He even got me the cool case I wanted.  The even better part, our friend, Andy, works for NOOK so he got us a discount.  Love it.

Anyways, I remembered I was going to fill you in on why I am sadly addicted to games that require interactions with people.  I guess because growing up I didn’t have many friends to play with so I would literally at times play the only board game I had called of course fittingly “SORRY” and play by myself.  AHAHAHAHA.  My sister wasn’t the game playing type and I didn’t have many playdates and such because we were taken care of by our grandparents so we really tried not to burden them much.  So, I guess subconsciously when I play interaction games… it’s like “oh man… I actually have people who want to play with me.”  My husband is just sick of this game.  AHAHAHAHAHA.

(O is peeing in the potty as we speak… yahoo!!!).

Anyways, my bestie, Julie came over yesterday and as usual it was a blast and beyond.  I am so eternally grateful for my friendship with her because we have such a raw and honest friendship.  Those kinds of friendships do not happen frequently so when you have something like that you really need to nurture it and foster it.  I’ve taken advantage of her willingness to always come and visit me all the way from the Inland Empire to Los Angeles… but now, I truly treasure it.

The best part of my friendship with her is that we just put it out there and say it like it is.  No holds barred.  We love each other and want each other to succeed and be the best CEO of our own company.  We had to best talk yesterday with a few tears.  I’m so blessed that she loves me and my daughter so much.  She deals with me and truly just accepts me unconditionally.  That’s the kinds of friendships we should all seek out and try to build with one another.

Thanks friends for the birthday wishes.  I am so thankful for each of you.  My sister… you are one of my best gifts every year.  Stay healthy, strong, and positive always.

Fertility.  It’s such a sensitive issue.  Some people talk about it openly while others suffer in silence as if they are lepers of some kind.  I find it sad.  I see the envy in some of our friends eyes as they see the joy a child can bring into a family’s lives.  I picture my friend P.  He’s such a great guy with an amazing wife and I ache at their struggle.  I see his eyes light up when he sees husb playing with O like “that’s gotta be me one day.”  And I truly pray that it is soon.  I think of them often because I know so well all the turmoil and frustrations that go into bringing a child into this world.  The monthly agony and disappointment of another stick coming up negative.  People say, “well you already have one so that should be enough.”  And it is very true.  But unless you are in my shoes, you don’t know what it’s like to feel like you still have something to complete not really for me but FOR MY DAUGHTER.  I don’t want her to be an only child.  The world is so lonely at times and all you have is your family.

I remember being in P’s shoes all too well.  I remember looking on at my friends with their complete households feeling like “why can’t that be us?”  Feeling like God had skipped over my door and Santa forgot I had a roof to climb through.  I hated hearing, “it will happen when it’s meant to be!”  I felt like saying …”Shut the front door Mofo… it should be meant to be right now.  Just shut the bleepsicles up.  You don’t know sheeznits you fertile duck!!!”  Before I had O, I think I wasn’t even really able to feel completely happy for my friends who were having babies.  I hated going to first birthdays and babyshowers because inevitably the questions would turn to me.  And people would ask… “so when?”  The real me would want to say “when you stop trucking asking me punk.”  But I would kindly do the polite thing and say, “oh we are trying.”  I think some real assholes just asked to be assholes.  Really.  No joke.  It’s like people don’t ask people who have been married for a couple years that question because it is none of your damn business.  I’ve learned my lesson well and try to be empathetic and sensitive.  I guess the saying “unless you walked a mile in my shoes” really is something people should take heed about.

Then, after one comes along those same assholes immediately ask about number two.  Funny, I distinctly see the faces of the assholes right now who always are asking me about number two.  Ahahahaha.  But I’m hoping soon.  It is so frustrating to think that you can do everything right in terms of eating, exercising, taking your prenatal vitamins but it still doesn’t happen.  Literally, I think I just need like a week of uninterrupted sleep, Ms. O.

Anyways, that’s that.

Last night, I did my English accent for O.  And that crazy little munchkin loves it and keeps saying “mommy, more funny voice.”  I feel like if she could she would mimic me.  But given that she can’t even fine tune the American-English language yet.  I will give her a day or two to practice.  ahahaahahah.

Anyhow, have a great day.  And all you people who have “Words with Friends” accounts… give me your username.  I am straight a cracked out junkie lately with that game.  I will explain the insanity behind my addiction in the next blog.  It’s actually pretty sad.

I’ve been going to my parents house pretty frequently lately.  I like the effect O has on my parents.  I love seeing my mom’s face light up when O does something new or even not so new.  Funny how nothing gets old for the old folks.  My dad seems to always be in a lighter mood when O is around, so I think she acts as a source of non-medicinal relief during his chemo sessions.

My dad is doing well.  The nausea was not like how the movies portray.  It was well managed with medications.  I was very worried that he would suffer but he has been very upbeat and valiant throughout this process.  His appetite has been great to say the least.  His hair did fall out and he has been flossing the Cojack (is that right?) look.  I can’t say I like it very much.  It was an eyesore for me in all honesty because I loved that my dad always took so much pride in his dark, full mane.  But I suppose in the grandeur scheme of things, it is really a trivial point.  I thank God that he is fairing well because that in itself is also a lifesaver for my mom and sister who have to witness his daily life.

My daughter has recently began to come out of her shell a little bit.  She actually started playing with her friend since in utero, Mia.  YES… actually PLAYING, running, giggling… and leaving my side.  I thought it was just because she has been familiar with Mia for so long, but to my surprise she played with Katie this weekend as well during our Sunday visit to the OC.  (Again, thanks for hosting Cham fam).

O left my side.  Yep yep … she sure did.  I actually got to play and talk with my friends as she played with hers.  It’s ironic how as a parent those little things bring such relief.  When you have a kid, you just assume your child will assimilate and integrate with their peers but it doesn’t always happen the way you had envisioned.  I really thought my daughter was going to be stuck to me for the rest of my life (which isn’t a bad thing for me since she is my best friend) but nope… she’s starting to venture out on her own.  She’s role playing, dressing up in costumes, and becoming more outgoing.  I love it.  I used to secretly wonder if she had socialization issues since she was just with adults for the most part.  My husband would tell me (well scold me) not to think such thoughts and she’s perfect.  But as an innate worry-wart, I did what I do best… worry.  So whew.  RELIEF.  It comes at a great time too since we will be sending her off to toddler school in the next couple of weeks.  I’m torn but I know it will be good for both of us.

Pish/Deb… Katie is a great girl.  She’s growing up magnificently gracious and not to mention gorgeous.  Lay off the diving!!!!  AHAHAHAHAH.  Let her enjoy the pool!!!  Thanks for letting us enjoy such a great Sunday by your voice command operated pool.  We should definitely do it more often.  Also, happy early birthday.

Best Investment EVER!!! For $325

I recently got this Tory Burch backpack because when you have a toddler, you need your arms free pretty often.  (OK and because I wanted a cool backpack and not my old Costco Red Polo Backpack… gotta accessorize!!!).  I wasn’t sure whether or not I should get it after seeing the price tag ($325) but I thought… “what the heck… who cares.  It’s my birthday present to myself.”  But to my utter delight… it has been the best purchase I’ve made in a very long time.

The backpack was hard to find.  They don’t carry it anymore in major department stores.  I guess it was advertised in a Teen Vogue magazine back in January so it has been hugely out of stock.  But lucky me… my sister (yes… she is bomb…you may rent her for a marginal fee) used her witchcraft magic.  And VOILA… she found it for me from a Tory Burch boutique.  Apparently, there are only 3 in the entire nation.  I don’t know if I really believe it but whatevers… I’ve got mine and that is all that matters.

But the bag is amazing.  It is roomy enough to carry Os diaper sack, my agenda, Kindle (borrowed of course), wallet, phone, Os milk bottle on the side, and plenty more.  The best part about this backpack is… bum puh ruh rum (that was supposed to be my drum roll)… it is virtually weightless even with all that stuff in it.  Seriously phenomenal.  Also, the nylon material makes messes easy to wipe up.  It comes in a khaki color and a black with black buckles… but I didn’t like it that much.

If you are need of a good bag to carry that is lightweight, easy to carry … and still fashionable, this bag is it.  I think they have a bag version as well.  I haven’t used any other bag since I’ve started carrying it last week.

I am almost done with the book.  I think reading is actually more stressful than relaxing.  Why?  Because you have this tenacious urge to freaking get to the end!!!  Find out what’s going to happen… NOW.  I’m impatient so reading at times becomes frustrating.  Lucky for my sister, she doesn’t live with me anymore so I can’t keep asking her… “Just tell me wth happens!!!”  I ALWAYS do that to her during movies if I know she already watched it… even if she hasn’t I still ask her.  Ruahahahahah… like she’s psychic.

I’m tired today.  Odd.  Because I’ve had so much energy the past few months.  But these past couple of nights, O has been fitful during her sleep at night which inevitably has caught up with me.  Yeah, today… hmmph… exhausted.  Just unlike before, I don’t let my mood get ahead of me.  I don’t let negative thoughts permeate my being and then come out as irritation or lashings to the people I care about most.  I understand now that my mood swings shouldn’t be detrimental to those who do not directly impact it.  Yep Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m growing up.  Yahoo.

O just gets more engulfing by the minute.  I sit in awe some times during the night and just turn my flashlight (on my phone… one of the better features on the HTC Evo) and just stare at her.  Like the Aerosmith song goes… “I don’t want to close my eyes cause I’ll miss you babe…” or something to that nature hits right at the heart for me.  Hence, the reason why I used it during her first birthday’s slide show.  But really, sometimes before bed time… I almost just don’t want her to go to sleep so we can just hang out together a little bit longer.  Her hugs are like no other drug (ahem… ahem… of course I’ve never inhaled… thank you President Clinton for that line!!!).  Seriously, when she gives me her love … you can just feel the pureness and joy in it.  It leaves me wanting just a little bit more… just a little bit tighter.  I thank God daily and each time those moments occur because now I don’t have to wonder what it feels like to be so immensely enamored with another human being.  I mean, it’s just so different.  The magnitude.  The intensity.  Being unable to express what it feels like in words makes me feel like my head is going to explode.  It’s simply amazing.  God’s greatest gift on earth.

That brings me to the case of the poor little girl.  Being that I don’t watch the news much and Facebook then becoming my news central… I learned that that monster was found not guilty.  I am blown away.  Our judicial system is absolutely archaic.  I don’t know how the system works in cases like these or the OJ Simpson trials.  It’s almost a blatant slap in the face that the system has failed again.  Attorneys… please help us understand.  It’s astonishing to me that a parent can go as far as doing that to their own child.  I know how deep frustrations and depressions can run, but for the love of God… kill yourself!!!  Not your child!!!!  All because you wanted to party?  WTF.  I don’t give a rats ass if I’m not being fair.  I lived in deep despair and dysfunction for years… and in all my misery… I never ever wanted to hurt my child!!!  Snapping to the point of no return is a freaking choice.  I’m not even joking…  you choose to go beyond the line.  But in the small instance that she didn’t kill that poor little girl… you’re still an asshole for getting plastered and dancing on top of tables at a bar when your child died.  For Pete’s sake… at least look like a dumbass in your own house.  Your baby was adducted and that’s how you grieve?  Suspicious.  Freaking jerk.